My husband was just diagnosed a couple years ago. His CAG is 44. He is now 52.

I forced him to get tested after a rage towards my kids (he is not their father) that lead to the police coming to our home and subsequently the Department of Child & Family at my door. He was so positive he did not have it and his family was a bit upset that I forced him to get tested, but I needed to know. I needed to know he was sick in order to continue a relationship with someone who making our home a nightmare. I needed to be able to explain to my kids that their step-father had a disease that caused him to be both physically & verbally abusive. I needed my kids to know that I was not choosing my husband over them. I was choosing to stand by my husband who was sick.

The HD diagnosis to him meant nothing. At least not until he lost his CDL (could not get a medical certificate) and then was forced to long term disability by his job that he loved. Now, he believes this is all my fault. He could have waited to be tested he tells me. He still believes he has no symptoms. He believes his irrational behavior, constant nagging, physical and verbal abuse are just a creation of my own my mind.

Lately, he seems to be sun-downing. In the mornings he is really awesome, but towards the evening he is the exact opposite. I come home to him yelling, bitching (sorry...best word I have), and threatening me. I have had to move our conversations onto our front porch simply to keep the kids away. My neighbors are fed up at listening to him tell me he is going to punch me in the face or choke me. And my kids want to protect me and I have had to teach my kids simply not to get involved. My home is broken. And I fear my children, whom are teenagers, will resent me for my choice or that they will leave me to live with their father. I have already lost my sisters, and many friends, they want nothing to do with someone who is abusive. In the end, I only want what is best and safe for all parties involved, but I don't want to lose my husband, my children or myself.

The doctor keeps telling my not to push his "hot buttons", but everything is a hot button. Any smells from the kitchen set him off.....kids can't make bacon anymore....any movement of my hands when I speak will set him off......if I talk too loud....I cannot and my kids cannot do anything right. The doctor only reminds me that it is the disease, not him. I now that. Believing that in a moment of rage is a whole different beast.

My husband has 4 children at risk and none of them understand the disease. They seem to believe that I am the one who has changed him, not the disease. They are young......12, 21, 26 & 28. Quite frankly, they just don't like me. I fear they will be of no help in the future, which only makes me fear our future in living with this disease.

The funny thing is that my husband does not seem to behave the way with other like he does with me, my kids or his. Most of his friends have a hard time understanding what I am explaining. Anyone else dealing with this?

My heart hurts, my mind hurts......I feel so very lost. I love this man so very much and I love my children so much, but my home is torn.

Any suggestions on getting my home back in order? I'm hoping someone has had to deal with a similar situation.

Hi Sonny,

I'm sorry you are going through all of this, being blamed for things that aren't all your fault.

Often times everything is my fault, or I am bad, or I can't do anything right. Sometimes I think it really is true, just his manner and approach is so off key. Other times I think he is just frustrated, at life or something else, and takes it out on me.

As for treating you differently than all others, as one person here suggested to me a while ago, they often times feel most comfortable at home, are less reserved, and therefore take things out on you.

I keep reminding myself that:
1. yes, it is the disease that makes him this way, and
2. in a relationship, things should be 50/50.

1. I'm getting better at being the “bigger person”, and I've learned a lot of humility. I take into consideration some of the blames and remarks, but at the same time, I do not believe everything he criticises is true either. I've learned to walk away from raging situations (as is very difficult for me as I am an Aries and love to argue!). I used to go to him and ask if he was ok, or if there was something I can do. It only made things worse. Now, 99% of the time I let him come to me. I go about doing my own thing, and when he comes to me, I don't bring up what was argued, or just agree or try and brush it off. It usually works.
Sometimes though, on his good days, I bring up the past in a non-argumentative way. Most of the time I ask, he is open and willing to talk, and it helps me better understand what could set him off, or what is going through his head at those tough times. Then, when a tough time occurs again, he's mean or silent, I know that it is not me, and something must have happened; I leave it alone, give him space, and talk to him later.

2. Two people are always responsible, even when it does lean towards being one person's "fault", it is the other's responsibility to try and work things out equally. Unfortunately, I don't think it works that way in an HD relationship as I have heard too many times (on this site from others) that a. there is no reasoning with someone with HD, and b. you usually end up as a care giver, not receiver.

Now, this is if you wish to hold on and stick it through. As many have warned me, if the abuse escalates to severe emotional abuse whereas it criples you to go about your life, or worse to physical abuse, that would be the time to get out. There is no excuse for that kind of abuse, disease or no.

Sorry you are dealing with this,I am in the same boat and have gotten alot of advice and insight on here.

Hi Sonny ,i know what you are going through ,when i read your post ,i can hear it all over ,i can feel the pain
of the memories .
My husband is 54 and in a home now,but i can tell you ,i went through the same,as im sure many on this site have
too.
I remember him throwing food across the room ,calling it regurgitated slop,i never made spagetti again ,and to this
day when i do make it i always remember those words.
Never could win ,esp at meal times,yes call it sun downing,but all i know ,we walked on egg shells ever day for years
My neighbour who could hardly speak english ,walked over one day and said to me ,He is bad to you ,i see ,what
to you say ,love is blind the neighbours aint.
Lost ever so slowly friends and family,too.my brother told his daughters something ,but they to this day wont talk
to me.
It was like he told them we are going uncle dennis's house ,but you are in danger there .and yah they were,cause
we just never knew when or what was going to happen.
But your right he talked nice and smiled at most others ,they never or rarely saw what we saw.
We were selling our house ,and we had viewing ,he chased the whole family out ,omg son had to block him from them
the family left terrified ,we felt so bad.and of course the fight was on after that,he wouldnt let it up.All my fault.
I tried with all my might to keep a fairly normal life for my kids,but what i was calling our normal was in all
honesty a horrific nightmare of living in fear everyday,and 100 per cent unsafe.
Today i still stand by him,but what is left of me is no longer a normal person,i have high anxiety,depression,and
worst of all a bitter anger that is slowing growing ,as i watch daily for this horrific disease comming just that one day
closer to my children,yah 50 \50 two left to be tested ,will the nightmare continue,never leaves my mind.
To sleep with one eye open for almost 30 years ,im tired.
Im going to see him right now I love him beyond words,if i could bring him home again i would.
I went to the grocery store to buy milk and saw the advertising for HD on the side of the smaller cartons of milk
i picked it up and read it,i thought to myself if i hug this container of milk can i make it all dissappear,silly thought
i know but hey ,i can wish .
Hope you find some good times and still have some good memories with your husband ,takes a special person
to be able to see past this illness and still see the wonderful person inside he cannot be anymore.
Hugs sonny.
I have to laugh sometimes ,cause isnt it the wifes fault for everything anyway ,illness or not yah i think so

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. When my husband was at his most manic stage, I had to leave and stay with a friend for a few weeks. After the last crisis where he started to hit me, I called police. Thankfully, the office was familiar with the disease and did not haul him off to jail. Instead they called paramedics to bring him to hospital for meds to calm him down.
We worked with his neurologist to find good combination of meds (seroquel, risperidone, effexor, and klonepin) that seem to be helping. He still has bad days, but after several years we've learned what his triggers are and tried to minimize them. At the end of the day when everyone is normally a little tired and cranky, he is as well, except his reactions are magnified due to his brains' inability to let irritants go. It helped to make the house as quiet as possible (loud sounds upset him). He's fine now as long as his daily schedule does not change, and we respond to his demands quickly as long as they are reasonable. We learned arguing with him was a waste of time and effort as his cognitive and reasoning skills are completely out of whack.
It's no picnic, but we've been married for 26 years, and I know if it were me, he would be there to take care of me. However, don't forget that safety for you and the kids should be your number 1 priority. Develop an emergency escape plan with them so that if he gets out of control, you can get out fast. I'll be praying for you and your family.

I really like what you said and completely realate to it.

So sorry Sonny. There are no easy answers and simple solutions in these scenarios. I guess you just have to take comfort in the fact that you are not alone - so many here (myself included) can relate - this disease is so complex and difficult to live with. I chose to divorce my husband because he was also drinking and trying to deal with it all (and raise 2 kids) was just too much for me. Now I have my sanity and I can be a support to him without it destroying me. I will always have guilt about it and I am sure folks here would take issue with my decision but everyone must make their choices. You have to be a good mom to your kids, to be a good mom you can't be insane so do whatever it is you need to do to have peace - I am not recommending leaving him at all but I am recommending finding time to do things for yourself because you are likely not going to be getting what a spouse in a non-HD relationship would get to keep themselves content. Good luck.

I dont take issue with anyone who protects their children and themselves! I am sorry for anyone who has to deal with abuse. I understand it is not their fault, but it isn't ours or your kids either. Such a cruel disease. It robs you of everything. I am not suggesting divorce for everyone, and I like to think we all go the distance, but when violence is involved, with or without HD something has to give! Please be safe and make your children your priority! I do wish you luck and hope that you can find some meds for him to help!