My ex-wife doesn't lock doors when she leaves the house. I have dropped the kids back on several occasions to collect gear and they have gained access any time their mother is away. They simply walk in the door. This worries me. Today they told me that every night she reminds the kids to make sure the doors are locked before going to bed. Why is this? Our kids are young and shouldn't have that responsibility. Can anyone inform me if they have come up against this? Why can't she lock the doors herself? Is she aware that she forgets to do it? Why is she dependent on the kids to do this? Thanks.

I don't get it. We used to ask our kids all the time if the doors were locked. Are you talking that your kids are 2 or 3 years old, or 7 or 8? Makes a big difference.

Actually, I finally need to say this. I have been very disturbed by your posts for a long time. I have been on this forum a very long time, and I have tremendous compassion for those, especially with young children, that have had to leave their HD spouse, and yes, even horror stories of the hd person telling terrible stories about their ex. But, this is the difference. You may not like what I have to say, and I may be wrong, but my gut feeling is usually right. And this really disturbs me, because I have had this very disturbing feeling that your wife doesn't even have hd, and that you are on a witchhunt to get custody. So, this is why.
First, any other forum members that have gone through similar, they have a lot of pain, a lot of guilt about leaving, concern about their children, but also concern about how to help their ex.
This is where you are way different, and I'm sorry, but I have a gut feeling, and it is Not good, Not good at all.
First, yes you have concerns for your kids, that I either give you credit for, or you are a controlling man who is determined to get the kids. I'm gonna tell you, you are really pissing me off, do you want to know why? Because I am not stupid. I have read your posts since day one, and oh boy.
You have since day one only being trying to either confirm what hd symptoms are, or to spread dirt on her, and have us agree with you, I guess in order to build your case. To the average person, we would think, oh poor you, she has told lies about you to every person she knows, and everyone thinks your the bad guy. On paper I would feel sorry for you too, but my gut has always said no, what if you are the one lying.
Ok, so she has had to take out orders of protection on you, but I guess, oh she made it up because she has hd. Orders of protection are not done lightly. You have posted that you have a stress related reactive disorder, and that was when she started freaking out and telling everyone how scared she was of you, oh yeah, in your words lying. In fact, not a single person in your whole life believes you are the victim. Not just her family, nobody you know believes you to be the innocent one. I'm sorry, but I truly believe you are here just trying to build a case against her so you can have the kids. In fact, your ex does not even have hd, she doesn't even have a family history of hd! She did not have a doctor say, oh, I think she has hd, nooooo. You even said in one of your posts, that when I psychiatrist was asked one time about her anxiety, the psychiatrist said that any number of things can present as anxiety. The psychiatrist then gave an example of a whole huge list of disorders that could cause anxiety, and hd just happened to be in that list. So you then said in your post, that even though she has no family history of hd, that You, not the doctor, You, decided to zero in on hd! So if I have this frigin right, and this is really pissing me off, you have decided to prove she has hd, and to use us for proof that you need, so that you can take her children from her, and yet you are the one that has had protection orders taken out against you, and she has NOOO family history of hd, and she has no doctor even suggesting that she has hd. She has an anxiety disorder, possibly from an abusive husband, and you, the husband, were even diagnosed with a stress related reactive disorder. Reactive disorder??? HUH! And your final digging for dirt was, is it irresponsible of her to be asking the children to see if the doors are locked???? Are you frigin serious??? If that isn't beyond pitiful, then I don't know what t is. I don't care what everyone else does, but I will no longer be giving you written support on here, trying to validate your allegations against your wife, which I am beginning to believe that you are the problem, and not her, and I feel so Very sorry and afraid for her. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but I'm not no fool

PS To anyone else on here that I know are in similar situations, I absolutely have compassion for you. The difference here, is I have had a gut feeling about this guy, so tonight I decided to go on that feeling, and go through his past posts. He said he has been diagnosed with a reactive disorder. Well what the heck is that??? Abuse???? She has had to file protective orders, and I am very sorry and scared for her. Just something to think about everyone



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/06/2014 12:18AM by Barb.

No problem, Barb. You won't hear from me again. I promise you that. Thanks to all the people who responded to me down through the the last two years. I sincerely wish you all the best. Sincerely.

Barb posts something to you at two o'clock in the morning when most people are asleep and you respond in just one half hour that you aren't posting again. Isn't that an over reaction?

I think he lives in Ireland..........



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/06/2014 02:55PM by Janigirl.

yes, he does live in Ireland.

Well, what I have to say is this. First, this was just my opinion, and a very strong one at that. I had said that he doesn't seem to use this place for support, but only for info, and verification of his allegations. Sooo, I'm sorry everyone, because we are so trusting and giving, but truly, if this really was his place of support, not his place of dirt digging, he would not have just flipped us all the bird. He would said he's sorry I feel that way, but that he'd like continued support from others here. Just the attitude. Because I had such strong concerns, I felt these things needed to be said. Was I going to start an argument, nope, because I would not have believed his explanation, but, it still would be nice if he gave others an explanation, so you can make up your own minds. I do have hd. I used to have more compassion, but I tend to be the more critical one, but I also know if I put out something that I see to be a truth, that there are others that come along behind me, that have a more balanced compassion. And so, I hope for all of your sakes, that you are given an explanation. Otherwise it truly does come across as a "I just used all of you" scenario, which I truly hope is not the case. I care about everyone here, and I had truly hoped, for those more compassionate here, that that was not the case. I did not want it to be true that good people here were being used, and the min someone calls him out, flips the bird at everyone. It sure has me wondering for sure, and concerned. But I have always been someone to speak the truth, even if it's truth as I see it, especially if something has me concerned, so I had to do it, and let the cards fall where they may

I am 24, my mother exhibited symptoms throughout my entire life and I never knew her to be normal. I am also currently a student studying genetics and neurobiology. I think it makes complete and total sense to me that she could leave the doors unlocked while she is away in order that the kids may gain access to the house --or even justify this in her mind-- but she also wants to instill safety and teach them a good lesson from a young age by telling them to always lock the door. Kids need to know that. My mother exhibited a lot of paranoia as well, so it could be possible that this is what's happening. Always, always, always remember that neurodegeneration is an absolutely AWFUL and horrible manifestation of disease because patients fight a battle between feeling normal and feeling absolutely insane every day, whilst gradually losing your mind (neurons). Despite the way express their ideas or words they use, I know that a mother REALLY loves her children and has an incredibly difficult time expressing it, and it sounds to me that perhaps this is one way. My mom showed me her love in very strange ways and I was very young as well, I regret that I was young and bratty and mean, I couldn't understand, she wasn't helped sooner, and that I didn't tell her I loved her back enough. I have so many regrets and you do not want that burden on your children. I'm sorry for her weirdness, but it's just the nature of this deplorable disease. You can't deprive your children of these fleeting opportunities to spend time with their mother before she gets too ill because of your own personal differences (divorce). Please, please, please try to foster a positive environment with her and the children. I wish I had one. Every. Single. Day. I hope that everyone (Barb and you) continue posting on here and sharing our stories so that we can all get along and lean on one another, because we're pretty much in this alone-- tell me the last time you went to and HDA (hd anon) meeting? Yeah...

You know you love me,
XOXO,
Gossip Giz



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/07/2014 12:14AM by Grizmo.

Grizmo, your post has a lot of good advice and truth in it. I think you're very wise for your age. I think maybe you just didn't realize in your post that his ex does not have hd, in any way shape or form, that he is the one tormenting someone, and trying to pin a disease on her that even her doctors are not trying to do, and she has no family history of hd, only an abusive husband. But, you are right that he should be trying to get along with her for the sake of the kids, but no, there is no hd involved in this, only a scared woman who has had to take out protective orders. It's too bad he presented things this way, but if you read further you might be able to understand what is happening here. But yes, a very sad situation indeed, that I can agree with. Hey, welcome again

Oh I'm torn here if I should reply or not. I get where barb is coming from 100% but I also live in Ireland and know how difficult getting any sort of neurological diagnosis can be, I'm also very aware that here HD is a huge secret as is secret pregnancies adoption from decades ago, something like this might explain the lack of family history.
Also in my husbands family a number of his siblings spouses have been able to walk away and wipe their hands off their very ill spouse, seemingly guilt free, I struggle to understand this but it happens, we are all only human at the end of the day.

However what I don't understand is leaving your children in what appears to be a dangerous situation with a volatile parent, Your children have to be your priority, if your wife's behaviour is as you say you need to act now, if you're exaggerating then you need help and for the sake of your children please get it.

Edit to add I don't think posting here would in any way aid Nalo getting custody of his children and this has not been something he's mentionef plus a lot of the behaviour he mentions is very similar to what I've witnessed from my husbands siblings, I'm not sure you could be this accurate if creating a story.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/07/2014 06:00PM by daisy.

I have been very troubled by this thread and have delayed perhaps too long in putting my comments forward. I have been on this message board for seven years since my ex-husband received a positive blood test for HD.

I have learned a tremendous amount from Barb over the years about what it is like to be a person with HD. For that I will be eternally grateful. Barb was one of the first individuals who reached out to me and for that I will always be thankful. I have read many different stories on this board from both the person with HD and from the spouse's perspective.

However, for the first time I have to say that I disagree with Barb. Barb, I really struggled with how to write this. I value very much what you contribute to this board about what it is like to be a person living with this disease. So please, for the valuable insight that you provide about living with HD, I want you to continue your contributions.

I have also responded to Nalo's messages, and communicated privately with him. I do not doubt his sincerity. As spouses, HD leads into dark places while we try to make sense of what is an HD symptom and what is not. We are at the epicentre of what a family lives through with this disease. Our frustrations in dealing with what maybe HD can bring out the worst of us. We are not super humans, we admit we are frail and struggling to cope.

As spouses, it also leads us into dark places in our relationships when we are expecting our spouses to think and behave like regular partners and parents when in fact they cannot because of the disease. There is not enough research about the pre-clinical diagnosis phase, when in fact it is this period that causes so much stress on families. I can say that from a spouse's perspective is that it leaves us living through a very difficult period of time as we wonder about every action and interaction. This gets further complicated by a spouse who refuses to be tested or there is no family history of HD, etc. So the question for us spouses becomes focused on behaviour, what is HD behaviour and what is not?

Even today, the absence of knowledge of a family history of HD is not unusual. Secret adoption records, giving up babies/children, unplanned pregnancies, social sigma of mental health problems, families complicit in keeping the secret, parental deaths before diagnoses, misdiagnoses, immigration, and the list goes on, keeps spouses grasping at straws as to what is going on as their immediate families disintegrate.

Living in the dysfunctional world of a family with an undiagnosed HD member can stress the non-HD spouse beyond what each of us would consider beyond our limits and behaviour. As spouses we are only a product of our own family histories, coping mechanisms, abilities, insights, and that needs to be configured into the HD equation. We spouses bring our own issues and histories into the HD equation.

Our own coping mechanisms in the HD environment may or may not be the best or not. Spouses are only frail human beings too. HD, or the possibly of HD, needs compassion for everyone.

Concerned Partner, and Daisy too. Please don't worry that you'll hurt my feelings, I'm sorry that worried you, and what you said you said so kindly, so no worries, I'm good, and I didn't want to shut the conversation down with my opinion. You also know that every thing you said, about a spouse in denial, everything to do with that, even lack of family history, even the spouses family turning against you and believing the spouse, that I usually have huge compassion and understanding for these situations. And I still do. It was just this particular person, did not ring true with me. All the other similar situations I do believe, and the stories are devastating. What alarmed me this time, was it was not just her family and friends, but his own family, and his own friends, that believe her. She has had to take out protective orders on him, and then he also says that he has a "reactive" disorder. Sorry, but that hits me meaning violence and control, and what better way to get your kids than to pin a disease on your ex, and then get the back up of good people in our community. Nobody believes him, her family, her friends, his family, his friends, or the cops. So in my mind I am outraged that an abusive ex would do this, and use us, and add discredit to anyone here that truly is going through such things. So I'm not debating, I'm just saying what caused me to feel so alarmed, it didn't feel right, and it still doesn't. So im just putting out there why I said what I did. And, I'm really glad, and it's important, for you and others to say what you see in this too. So no problems here at all, and I'm sorry if I spoke so strongly that it would cause others to hesitate with their response. And thank you for you kind words, take care hon