I have a younger sister who for most all of her life has been in some type of substance abuse. From drunk on a sidewalk in High School to threatening me with a knife while high on pot. For a few years you held a job, had a boyfriend and you had your only child - a son. But then she shoplifted and another time hit a car while intoxicated and landed in jail. Her now ex-boyfriend left with her son and moved across the country to NJ. Upon release from jail I encouraged her to follow and be a part of his life. He was only two. Today he is 22.

In a nutshell she has stolen from myself and others, been unable to keep a job for longer than a year, usually only months. Constant tardiness and who knows what else was to blame - usually someone or something else. Requests and pleas for money were graciously supplied as best we all could always with the caveat that "this was the last time from her and then us. We could never figure out where all your money would go. Turns out drugs and now alcohol is a large part of that equation.

But herein lies the dilemma. After repeated treatments and assistance from others including us her family she makes choices while sober that are extremely dangerous. She meets guys online and meets them in hopes one will sweep her off her feet and is always surprised when they want only one thing. She has met wealthy men in high positions including one who got so mad at her he tried to strangle her and she is now extorting him for money. I looked up who he is and he certainly has a lot to lose but I don't support extortion or any type of arrangement these two made. She is prostituting herself on a dating website. When she does have money she doesn't save it for rent she buys things that she doesn't need like sexy nighties for her dates

This so reads like a soap opera. I am basically the only one who will talk to her because she usually calls drunk, in a temper or making rude comments like she wants to buy my sister and I these sex toys she has so we can enjoy them too. We let her know that we did not want them nor did we want to know her story about them. She continues to enjoy trying to shock us. We no longer give her money and have tried to give her places to get help. She refuses it so we all have had to limit our contact with her. Lately suicide threats have come including detailed instructions on what to do with her body. (I tried to get her to go to a hospital or tell me where she is so I can call 9-11 with no success).

Yesterday I received another such text (the second) and called her. She was sober and sobbing. She just didn't care anymore and wouldn't tell me where she was. She has one friend whom she once gave me his number. After calling him a few times he called back and we spoke at length. He is a huge enabler but he feels he loves her. She was sober once for 7 months with his support but then on one of her online dates she was offered a drink and ended up drunk with the guy asking her to leave. This has happened multiple times. He believes he is in love with her but she told him she isn't attracted to him and he is just her best friend.

Recently she had a place to stay for a month when she was evicted from her apartment with a guy she knew in exchange for cooking and cleaning. She raided all his liquor and went into a neighbors home somehow and stole their liquor. He kicked her out and her friend found her on the beach riding a bike in her underware - soiled and drunk. (He can't take her in as he is 56 years old and lives with his folks while waiting for his house to sell after a divorce).

So back to yesterday, she asks him to pick her up because the motel she is at kicks them out by noon. She says she is hungry and steals a piece of pizza (she has $800.00 in the bank) from a store and gets busted. She is now in jail on a $5,000 bond. NOBODY is paying it. She needs to be there. She dreams of getting all kinds of cosmetic and body surgery to remake her body and then open a web site where she makes money doing who knows what. These things are not realistic but she does not live in the real world.

So here I am working on having very healthy boundaries and I do not know what is going on. I know it is substance driven but when sober there is no realistic plan. Her plans makes sense to her but they don't to anyone else. She will die drinking, at some strangers hands or who knows what. And it breaks my heart. I know I have done what I can and I know what I should not do. At the end of the day she insists she is fine and doesn't believe she has a problem or HD.

I think I needed to vent here so bad because my HD community family would perhaps understand some of what I am experiencing.
I used to be very involved and known in the online HD community while I was at risk. I tested negative and lost my mom to HD. I wish this didn't cause me such deep sadness but it does and while my siblings are like..sad but her choice (which is true) my heart seems to be the only one breaking.

Anyone here been through something even remotely like this? I just needed to talk. Thank you.

Jvabean/aka Julie

My heart goes out to you. I don't know if she will post here and I am not sure she should because she too is well known, but I have a friend whose stepdaughter has done one stupid and criminal thing after another despite growing up with lots of love and being taught differently, just like your sister. She doesn't just lie to get out of trouble, she tells senseless lies that don't even benefit her. Years of therapy, different kinds with different therapists, have done nothing to help her. When life actually settles down with employment and (for once) a decent man, she will create a false crisis just for the drama, ditch the man and get herself fired. There is nothing to be done at this point since she is an adult and will not accept help. She is at risk for HD but has not tested. Something is terribly, terribly wrong. No one knows what to hope for - that it's HD or that she has a personality disorder. Years ago, her parents asked me what they should do. My advice was to triage and to concentrate on the family members who need them and want their help. I also advised them to distant themselves emotionally. That is not to say that they don't love her and that they don't stand ready to offer help when she is willing to accept, they do and they will, but no one can live in a constant state of stress over something over which they have no control or even influence.

Hugs,
Marsha

My husbands uncle seems to have a touch of what you are seeing. He has HD, but has decided he doesn't-he disowns his kids (2 of whom are HD +-1 symptomatic in a group home, the other asymptomatic) He gets angry with everyone, shoots off disturbing emails to everyone in his contacts, has been rude and abusive to spouses (exes now) calls them filthy names, and claims to be a Christian and berates everyone as being evil. He made millions of dollars as vice president of a financial investment firm and plans to give it all to the nuns? or the collage he graduated from, all the while not helping his kids with ANYTHING, medical or otherwise. He tells his daughter who is symptomatic that she just needs to tithe more to the church to solve her financial situation. He has now isolated himself and does not communicate with any family as far as I am aware. We sent the police to do a well check after a disturbing email and then silence for an extended amount of time. He was so angry about the police coming and how embarrassed he was. Hasn't spoken to us since. Just told them he has family problems and doesn't want to talk to anyone. So we just learned the hard way, there is nothing we can do. He is across the country from everyone, and still lives independently-I think he is even still driving, he is now in his 80s...
All we can really do is pray for those out there lost to this and work towards a cure for this home wrecker. No amount of help can really just turn their lives around. There are meds out there that can help with a lot of things, but if they refuse to get medical help, or refuse to take their meds, we are limited to just watching from a distance until they are handicapped by the advanced stages of this and can no longer get around. You can try to get guardianship of her, get her committed somewhere, but she will likely not understand and be so furious with you and you will not have a "relationship" with her. She knows how to play the game, the threats of suicide, calling you to say those things and then not giving you a way to get help to her... familiar to many here.

So sorry you are having to deal with this and I really hope eventually she is able to get the help she needs, which will likely not happen in jail...Wish there was a magic pill, I know they are working on it, but I don't forsee it in our lifetime, but maybe in her children's and mine!

Vicky

If she is still incarcerated, do what you can to keep her incarcerated. Does your state have a state mental health facility? Perhaps she can go straight from jail to be 302'd to a mental health facility. Even if she is not diagnosed, she is making poor decisions whether sober or not, and is a danger to herself and possibly others. She cannot be forced into testing, but if you can somehow make the courts aware of her risk and symptoms, they may transfer her for a forensic admission to the state hospital.

My husband went through a very voilent period both before and after his diagnosis. He was arrested for domestic violence and held over for court. Even as the victim, I advocated to the court that he did not belong in a prison, he needed medications and psychiatric support and supervision. He spent a year in the state hospital, but managed to get over that dangerous hump, was compliant on the meds, and able to be released to the community. After a proving period in a group home, we brought him home with us. He has been behavior free and medically compliant ever since.

It was the toughest thing I have ever done--I placed my husband in an institution. I really believe that he would not be with us today without that year of "safety" and control.

Too many HD sufferers end up having run-ins with the law during that symptom emergence period.

Good luck.
Patty