I have been thinking about this issue for a while and still not quite sure what to do... it became one terrifying thought I can not let go so I decided to ask you for your advice as many of you have a lot of experience with this subject. Sadly.

I met my boyfriend a year ago. When we were together for about two months he turned around and told me that he needs to tell me something. It was that his mother and auntie have been diagnosed with HD and his mum is not very well and will probably not live for a long time. I knew she is very sick and in the hospital but that is what he told me and I didn't dare asking any questions as I didn't want to bring up something he might not want to talk about.

When he told me I knew very little about HD if anything. He told me that he is at risk of getting it too. But we were both madly in love and I told him that nothing can change what I feel no matter what.

I read some articles about HD back home the day he told me and it assured me that he is probably okay as he didn't have any of the symptoms, nothing I could notice.

Things got a bit worse last summer when he got drunk and started an argument about something totally stupid and couldn't let go. It ended up badly, after me and his flatmates tried to calm him down, one of them called the police in the end because they were scared he could be able to hurt me. He spent a night at the police station. We almost broke up because of this, I have never seen him like that and I could not believe it. But still in love, we agreed that we will give it another chance.

We moved in together in September 2013 and this is more or less when I started noticing that something is not completely alright. He is very demanding, argue about stupid things, making certain things my fault even if they are not. His mood changes, one minute he is fine and all of the sudden he flips out and starts being very offensive, calling me horrible names and so on. We also had another incident when we were both drunk. I told him something stupid (but certainly not offensive or horrible) and he just went absolutely mad, throwing things all over the room, almost broke our tv, pushed the shelf with a lot of stuff and broke my wardrobe door. This was the first time in my life I felt frightened and I was sitting in the kitchen on the floor, crying and watching him throwing my clothes and stuff out of the window. Police was called again by one of our neighbours and they spent quite a while talking to us separately. I didn't want him to spend another night at the station so I told policemen that if he calms down I will not insist on him to be taken with them.

I told him afterwards that I can not and WILL NOT stay with someone I am afraid of and that he changed completely. He said that this happens only when he is drunk so we agreed to stop drinking together.

But I can't say it is absolutely fine since then. He is really agressive sometimes, not necessarily towards me, but he is raising his voice quite a lot, he is very easily offended and once he is got something in my mind he is banging on an on about it for ages and texts me about it all the time and calls me to work even if he knows that I am not allowed to answer my phone.

He wants to have me for himself all the time which I found quite nice at the beginning of the relationship but really don't like it anymore. I am from a different country and he doesn't really like me going home to see my family, when I am there he is texting me all the time and when I happen not to answer straight away he accuses me from being a shit girlfriend who doesn't care about him.

What is even worse - I noticed he is very forgetful, never remember anything I tell him and keeps asking me the same questions quite often. Lately, I started noticing that his feet are shaking all the time (this is something new, I never noticed it before). And he never wants to go to sleep, always keeps me awake and it is really hard for me as we live in one room, I get up around 5.30 - 6.00 and he is just not allowing me to go to sleep as it is my duty as a girlfriend to spend evening with him when he gets back from work (he is a chef and sometimes he gets home around 9, 10 or even later in the evening). I am very tired and he doesn't understand that it is simply just lack of sleep and he is calling me lazy for that.

His mum died last August. It was really sad although he knew it is going to happen. He met his older brother at the funeral (they live far from London se he doesn't seem him very often) and he told me afterwards that he is convinced his brother has got HD.

I am sorry, just realised how long this message is but I kept it in my mind for too long and now I am like a broken shower hose.

I really don't know what to do. I am 25 and he is 32. Despite of all the things I have just written I still love him so much and it breaks my heart. I am still quite young and thoughts are whirling in my head all the time that I am not prepared for this, I don't want to have children with the same disease one day and even worse I don't want to have children without a father. I am just terrified.

I would be really grateful if there is someone who might give me any advice what to do - whether to tell him or not. Because he absolutely denies the possibility of him having the disease and he is absolutely convinced that he is not the one who has got it. I am afraid that if I tell him, he will get one of his tantrums again.

Thanks in advance for any opinions..

DeeAnn

Dear DeeAnn,

You just wrote the story of my ex husband and son, who were (ex has died) and are both positive HD. My 38 year old son lives with me now, but in the past, a few girlfriends of his would say how violent he became while drinking, and even argumentative when sober, but not as bad. My son is a great guy and is trying hard to stop drinking,as now it has affected his liver really bad, so he is being forced to quit. My daughter has HD as well, (both cag of 45) however she doesn't rage like the men have when drinking. It is a sad situation. I have been there when furniture, clothing(my ex burned my entire wardrobe in a wood stove) is breaking, etc. etc. name calling (not just regular, but vulgar),,,,,then the physical attacks would happen...........that's when I left my husband.......so it's something you need to seriously consider, especially whether he is HD positive or not. No one deserves to live that way.....please take care of yourself.

Janigirl



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/01/2014 10:07AM by Janigirl.

Dear DeeAnn, you are wise beyond your years to consider the things you have outlined. If you were married I might have a different response all together. Maybe even if you had been together longer than a year I might have a different take on this. Especially if this is completly different behavior than when you first got involved, this sounds like HD unless proven otherwise. If it is truly HD this scenerio will only get worse, if its not HD and this is his personality, you are no safer.
My advise to you is to get to work on a way to get out in your own. Get an apartment. Doesnt mean you are all together leaving the relationship, and I assure you he will make it miserable for you, but he is already doing that with you staying. If you stay and put up with the abuse (verbal, phyisical, throwing things) you will only be more dissappointed and more reliant on him and his income. Your work will suffer more and more without sleep and it is NOT a girlfriends "responsibilty" to stay awake for their boyfriends... That is a form of torture in many cases. I know I may sound a bit harsh, but the reality of HD is heartbreaking. Youve come here for support and insight, read some of the stories here and see your scenerio post after post. I do not have the same type of story as so many here. I had 22 years of greatness and just some bumpiness compared to your story. You have thought this out and you say you dont want a child with HD or without a father, if you are considering your future with this man this is your business and your concern. Regardless if he has this disease or not, he is abusive and you will most certainly have to make some tough decisions that require a clear and rested mind and you need some space to make those decisions, find that place.
Bless your heart and I will lift you in prayer as you try to sort through this.
Vicky

Dear Janigirl and Vicky!

Thank you so much for your answers.

As I said I have been thinking about this for a long time but I always managed to ignore it, replace it with a different thought or just do something so I don't have to think about anything.

But since I decided to post my message here I can't stop thinking about it. It comes all of a sudden and it leaves me absolutely devastated. I feel like crying all the time and feel so much sorrow and anger at the same time. You see.. he is a lovely man most of the time, he loves me more than anything, he always talking about me with his friends and colleagues, he keeps telling me how beautiful and amazing I am, sometimes buys me a little present or leave me a lovely message... I really love him for all of this! It is so fucking unfair, I keep asking why does it have to be him, I know that this is probably question you ask yourself every single day...

I know that the best thing for myself would be to get out of this but I cannot imagine to leave him really. I don't want this life (don't mean the life I am having right now but things that might and probably will happen if he really has HD).. but I just can't imagine to leave him for all of this on his own. He hasn't got anyone else here in London and I just simply can't do that.

I have to say that many times I told him that I will not tolerate him calling me names and will not tolerate him shouting at me about every single stupid thing and I have to admit that he got better. He is trying really hard and when he does, he almost always apologises afterwards.

How can I possibly explain this to him or even to myself? How can I leave person who I love so much??

I am so... miserable at the moment. After a couple of not really great relationships he was the first man I really loved and the first man I could imagine spending my whole life with. It all felt too perfect at the beginning. I suppose that miracles don't really happen to ordinary people.

I am thinking of all of you, all the brave wives, husbands, parents, siblings, friends of people with HD who have to deal with it every day. It is fucking (sorry for this expression) unfair that something like this exists. I admire each single one of you.

Thank you so much for your words. It made me worrying about it even more but at least I don't feel like I am all alone.

D.

You dont have to leave alone, but if he has this disease, you will not have the relationship you have had nor the one you sound like you want. You can still support him and care for him. Miracles do happen to ordinary people. I understand how conflicted you are. He doesnt need to get tested to treat the symptoms, can you get him to see a Dr for the anger issues, would he take anti depressants? Can he stop drinking? Does he need help with that? I do wish you some peace and safety.
Vicky

I probably won't be much help to you.....because my advice to you is RUN, RUN FAR, FAR, AWAY FROM HIM AND NEVER LOOK BACK.. I know that sounds awful but read my post on her called "my story". I am married and I feel like I am trapped in this because of my vows to be with him in sickness and in health, but If we weren't married there is NO WAY I'd ever stay here....it is a MISERABLE LIFE and it won't ever get better...sure there might be some good moments, and trust me that's all it will be is moments, but it is pure HELL living in this life, so you've got a chance, I know you love him, but love yourself more and LEAVE AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
Liz

DeeAnn,
It is a tough decision and one only you can make. As advised here I would definitely have him go to a dr and let him know what has
been going on. There are medications that can help and hopefully he would get help with the drinking.

You do not deserved to be treated that way and if nothing is done nothing will change.

I feel bad for the post prior to mine because I would disagree. Yes, I wish HD were not in my family. Yes, it would make it a lot easier
and yes it is hard to see the ones you love be sick at all. There is a lot of research going on and I pray a cure will be soon.

However, my family has had so many wonderful times that they definitely outweigh the illness. We still continue to have good times and my
husband has had HD probably for 29 years. I try to take the attitude that he is who he is who happens to have HD. We try to do everything
we did in the past with a few adjustments. There are some things we cannot do but many wonderful things we continue to do. I tell him that I
am not giving up so I will not let him give up either. We live with hope and faith and positive attitudes. Nothing is "happily ever after" and
some things are harder to deal with than others but continuing to live and not focusing on an illness and trying to be positive has helped us.
He is on some mediations that are necessary for the benefit of both of us. We have two awesome children and 4 beautiful grandchildren
that I wouldn't trade for the world. Of course, I would give my life so that they wouldn't be at risk but I would not change anything in
my life. We have been married almost 45 years.

I know this is not the situation for some but I do know some are still able to enjoy lives with adjustments as the illness progresses or any
other illness.

It is a very personal decision and one that will take time. If he is not willing to get help with his present behaviors I wouldn't commit.
If he is willing to get help and you love him and want to be with him and he is willing to get help give time to see if he changes any-
during that time you can give more thought to your decision. And, as said, you can always remain with him and help care. Every situation
is different and marriage with or without the risk of an illness is a huge decision not to be taken lightly.
Good luck to you all.

The other day there were window painters where I work changing the window scenes from winter to spring. On a whim I asked them to include an amyrillus in the scene. She asked if it had some special meaning to me and I explained the HD connection to her. She happily painted the amyrillus for me...everyday that I work now I see it and smile to myself.