Hi all, i just wanted to post an update to my ongoing sage with R. We finally went to court on March 20. The judge ordered us to follow the mediation agreement we signed in November. It says that R gets J every Sunday to Tuesday for a year but those overnights must be supervised by one of three agreed upon people (his stepmother or one of his two friends that J has met). At age 5, J will stay with R unsupervised. I was very upset.I didn't think R was ready for overnights, even supervised. No one listened to me in court. His attorney was very rude to me and dismissed all of my concerns. I tried to talk to R and his attorney after to court to try to change the visits to every other week but R refused. I went home, crying, trying to console myself with the fact that visits had to be supervised for a year. I kept telling myself that by age 5 I will make sure that J knows how to dial my number, 911, etc. and that he has met the neighbors and knows that if he feels unsafe, he should go next door to the neighbors until I can get to him.

And so, on Friday, March 22, I texted R to ask him who was supervising the visit. He texted me back and said that he had to work and so wouldn't be able to have J for his visit. I found out on Monday, March 25, that R quit or got fired from his job on March 10. R has not communicated with me in any form since March 22. He has not called J once since March 17. I have spoken to R's stepmother and he has cut her off as well. She thinks he is mad at her because she told him he needed to hire someone to be with him for his visits. I have talked to one of R's friends. He said that everytime he asks R about J, R changes the subject. He also told me that he has noticed that R gets very angry very easily. But said friend is in the process of moving his family across the country. So, I don't know how much time he actually spends with R. The other friend that he is close to has three small children and is an OB/GYN. R's stepmother lives 3 hours away. Other family lives 13 hours away.

so, here I am, waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering if the next phone call I get will be that R is ready for a visit. Or a call from his stepmother that R has been found dead. I don't hate the guy and wish him dead. I only ever wished that I could have a conversation with him and get him to at least acknowledge my fears.

What a painful situation you are in. I was thinking of you the other day wondering how things were going because I haven't seen you post in a while. Is it possible without a supervisor present he won't be able to have those overnight visits? I can't imgaine what it must feel like to know that any moment he could come and decide to be a part of J's life. It is too bad that R doesn't have more of a support network around him. I agree with your concerns, but if he had a family that understood his limitations and would work with you to ensure J's safety you could find a workable situation.

Stay strong and prasying for you and your little boy...

I think I remember you said you do this, but if not.... keep a notebook logging every negative interaction with R. Missed parenting time, conflict, any time he doesn't follow the court guidelines. Clearly this won't be over anytime soon and you may need to go back to court. Best to have that documentation.

Don't be too upset right now, a lot can happen in a year. I agree that you should keep a journal about the visits and your interactions. That will give you some ammunition for modifying the agreement in a year.

I was thinking about a friend of mine left her husband years ago and worried about the visitation problem. He got generous visitation with the child but he is not a responsible person, not because of HD but because he steals, cons women, and works as little as possible and she didn't know if he would really watch over their young son properly. (I can't imagine how he fooled her long enough for them to marry but that's another story) There were a few early visits and he lost interest. Children are hard work. I don't think he saw his son after that first year. I'm not saying that your situation is comparable but I do remember how terribly worried my friend was and it turned out for the best (given that her ex is really not cut out to be a dad and her second husband is).

If it happens that he turns down these supervised visits, and I suspect he will do this often, you could always suggest that the three of you spend an afternoon at the zoo or go to a movie or something. That may become an acceptable alternative for him.

I would check with your lawyer and find out whether you have to leave your son with his father if you arrive and there is no person to supervise.

It has been over a month now and not one word from him. No email, no text and he hasn't bothered to call J at all. The judge made it very clear in court that if there is no supervisor then I do not have to leave J. That is good until J is 5. His birthday is the end of Feb. So, I have about one year where J is protected. I seem to relax a little more every week that goes by that I don't hear from him. It could be that during the past months when he was spending 6 hours a week with J (with a supervisor) that he did realize that kids are hard work. And he doesn't have a bond with J that makes all that hard work worth it. I am just trying not to worry right now.

When my husband and I were seperated for a time and he was hospitalized for a year after an assault charge, I would try to find ways that he could still have a relationship with the kids. we used to Skype, and that made him feel like he was still involved. I know my situation was different. The kids were 6 and 7, and they did have a relationship with him prior to going to the hospital. In the long run, our family has emerged successfully.

I hope you can work something out. I'm afraid of the "no news is good news" might come back to bite you. do you think he would claim you have kept his son from him? Document document document.

Good luck,