I am seriously contemplating divorcing my hd spouse. It has been eight years since diagnosis, about 15 years since first sypmtoms.

I love my husband but am tired of my life in limbo because of this disease. I want to move on from a loveless marraige.

I do not want to desert my husband, I want to continue in his care. I just want to spare my kids from this live, our deterioting marriage and an unhappy mother. I am not sure how that it possible. Does anyone have any experience with divorcing a PHD?

I have travelled down that road with adult children. Considering all it was the best choice, although it is hard and continues to be hard. I have received a lot of support from website Wellspouse.com. They really understand the issues. At first my children were really angry with me but over the last while they understand as they see more of what was happenning. My daughters and I committed to helping each other with decision making as my ex's disease progresses. At this point in time he wants nothing to do with me, but I will continue to support my daughters as he is now turning to them. Feel free to PM if you like.

How old were your children Concerned? My one is elementary and second is in high school. I am worried they will think that if they get sick I will leave them. I am not sure that the relationship between husband and wife is different.

I am also not sure about what I don't know about divorce as it will effect my life in general. Did life improve or does it just become harder in that you are still caring for an effected spouse and now a real life single parent

Did your husband fight you on divorce or was he agreeable? How did his family pitch in to help you care for him, if they did at all? All of our family is out of state, so I am not sure who will take custody of husband.

I also wonder if your hubby felt better off in the end because he didnt have an unhappy wife to deal with.

I will have to check out the website you reccommend. Thanks for the response.

I divorced my husband after several years also, but I waited till my kids were old enough to be on their own. Not sure if that was the right decision or not. I was afraid he'd get visitation and I also didn't want that. I hope all goes well with you, Pat

Just wondered if there are medications you can use to help the situation. I am of the belief it is better to have the children with both
parents - at least both parents in the children's lives - but only if safe. Many times the situation can be made safer with the HD patient
taking certain medications. And, of course, each situation is different. Some parents with HD may be fine with their children
through their adulthood and on - some may need some intervention such as a medication, etc.
Just a thought.

I think shar has a great answer for you, maybe medications can help at this point in your marriage. I wish you the best.

My children are young if I wait until they are older I will be in this marriage for the duration. I do not have the duration in me, I want to go on with my life. My husband is perfectly medicated and is no longer verbally or physically abusive. He is a child in a man's body and I have to treat him with the respect of a man and in the background take care of everything. I can not leave the children with him he makes poor choices.

We do not talk anymore, when I bring up conversations they usually go to nonsense or I get the blalme.

We have just celebrated a big anniversary, the thought of having to take him out to dinner and pretend we have a happy marriage makes me sick. We have no marriage. He has HD, and I am sorry that he does. I want the best for him. But HD is sucking the life out of me and I would rather leave than waste the last few good years I have in life.

My children are witnessing an unhealthy marriage and a mother that is unhappy.

The wellspouse site has a lot of information on people in this situation and it has been refreshing to know my feelings are normal and others have done the same.

Spouse, I think you are being perfectly honest about your feelings.
There is nothing stopping you from divorcing your husband, you may be better able to assist him in a different role. Or you may want to walk away and never look back. It happens, in fact I am always amazed and touched by the strength of the well spouse who stays to the end. But you have indicated that you don't want to be in for the duration, the man you married is not the same as the man you live with now.
You appear to know yourself and understand that this is not the life you want. It won't be easy, but if it is what you want, it would probably be better for him as well as you. He is probably not happy either.

Take care,

Carla

Hello Spouse. Sounds like you have a lot on your mind. Children make a big difference whether it's HD or something else. As a pHD I look at your post and wonder if there is anything he can change that will make things work out for both of you. Is there medication, therapy that may be helpful. Is change possible? Certainly the children will be traumatized to some degree whether you stay or leave. Just curious if there is anything once changed or corrected that would help. As I understand, everyones symptoms differ so it's impossible for me to visualize what's happening. I wish you and your family the very best.
Mike

Hi Spouse-
I haven't visited this site in a long time - used to be a regular - so it amazed me to see your post right when I opened the page. I am currently in the process of divorcing my HD spouse. It is an incredibly difficult decision and it took me years to come to it. We have 2 kids - 10 and 8. My husband also happens to be an alcoholic and over the past 10 years he turned inward and turned to alcohol and our relationship and his relationship with our kids suffered greatly. Of course the drinking was terrible for his HD. Since the divorce process was underway he has gotten sober - the fear of losing his kids was the only things that worked for him. So, our situation is slightly different because of the alcohol but now he is sober - dealing with staying sober for the first time, his increasing HD symptoms and the stress of divorce. The guilt is tremendous and I think it is just something I am going to have to live with because it isn't going to go away. Over the past 10 years I slowly started dying inside. I didn't want my kids to have one parent ill with HD and the other parent emotionally debilitated. I didn't want them to witness a loveless home. I was way too stressed out taking care of everything - house, bills, cars, kids and husband too... just way too stressed out. I plan on helping my ex in every way possible. now that he is sober he is repairing his relationship with the kids and I have very warm feelings for him - just can't be married anymore... I am writing all of this because I think we are both dealing with the same issues - they are very tough. I know there are many cases of people who have divorced HD spouses but continue to be caregivers. For me that is something I will be able to cope with better than trying to stay married. Good luck to you.

Your feelings are normal, and I believe if you stay, your feelings will be seen by both your husband and your children, therefore I think you should leave. My husband was also perfectly medicaidcated, however, we had very objectionable behavior, to me, behind closed doors, no one else could tell in any way shape or form. I didn't speak of it at the time as to not disrespect him. I have since spoke of it to only very few people who have seemed to have the same problem. I still go to see him and did also when he was living on his own. He's now in a NH, and in last stage I hope I can aford to see him before it's too late! Pat

Thank you Hope2 you have described exactly what I feel. I want to help my husband but don't want to live with him. I honestly wonder if he gets his best care with me as an angry spouse but will get better me with a seperation.

I am looking for practical experience so I know what to expect in this post, I am not looking for practical ways to stay. I am sorry for pHD's who are reading this but I want the best for me first, kids next and then my husband.

Hope did you work out all of the divorce things prior to telling your spouse? How did he react? Were your kids releived and scared? I think my 13 yro react with relief and my young one maybe too. I know they will miss him but he will be close and we are not disappearing.

I am trying to walk through the process and get things done prior to telling him. Finding and assisted living place for him see if he will be able to afford it. I am looking for a job and looking into what my options are.

Thank you Carla for the kind words. Mikee I think that if our marriage was in a better place when he started symptoms or at diagnosis I might feel differently. But my love is gone and has been a very long time and I am slowly dying inside. It is bad enough that my husband is dying but this disease shouldn't take me too.

Hi Spouse - this is such a difficult situation to be in and I understand your feelings. It tests and makes you confront who you are, what you believe, what you can cope with. What stage is your husband at? My husband is early stage. He is still working and able to care for himself. I am mostly worried about how he will do emotionally but he has friends and family (although his family is not local) and he will stay in the area so he can see the children often. I didn't take care of things before I told him. We went the traditional route of both retaining lawyers and going through the process... it is taking forever partially because since he doesn't want to leave he is dragging his feet finding a place and moving. the guilt is terrible but I see no alternative. Like you, I look forward to being a good friend and care-giver to him - just can't be married any longer - was, like you, dying inside and it was horrible for me, not helping him and terrible for the children.

hope and spouse i feel the exact same way. i wish i left a long time ago. this disease destroys so much not just the person that inherited but the family too. i have such guilt i destroy my girls lives at age 21 and 14 and my own life in 22 years of marriage i just keep asking why i didnt leave a long time ago. im not in love w him its been years i love him but just as a person who inherited this horific disease.my husband has been showing signs since 2001 and diagnosed in 2004 its been so hard everyday never a good day maybe twice i heard a thank you . i wish he would let me help him or just talk to me but hes been past that point i swear since day one sorry im not making much sense .good luck in everyones decision prayers to all

jendoc 6262

I'm sorry for what your marriage has been. They are not all that way with HD. I just want to put another side to this post - I am not
belittling anyones decisions or feelings as anyone knows a person has to be in someone elses shoes in order to totally understand them.
I have been married for 43 years. My husbands family has HD. He has had physical symptoms since 45. I am learning about this illness
as it progresses. We have hit a few tough times with HD and have been able to get through those mainly with new medication or changing
medication/doses, etc. I look at my husband as my husband with HD - not an HD person who happens to be my husband. I try to get him
to do almost everything we have been doing. It is a little slower and we don't do all we used to do but I wouldn't trade places. His worst
fear is a NH and I am hoping I can keep him out of one with whatever I have to do as I, too, wouldn't want to go into one. I feel he didn't
ask for this disease as no one has - I also feel what if something would have happened to me - he would have been there for me. He has
worked hard all his life and I just want to be there for him through this. We do have some good times. We also have some quiet evenings
watching tv beside each other which is wonderful. I am not judging anyone here - I just want to show there is a different side. Everyone has to choose what works for them and determine what they can handle and what they cannot. I know I am very thankful for the different medications out there that have made such a difference for us. I also pray for all the research going on to produce a cure very very soon - I think it is looking good.

Shar

Thank you Shar. Spouse, I really want things to work out for you and your family. I have read other post similar to yours and I feel sympathy and bewilderment. I can't possibly understand your situation, I don't think anyone can feel exactly what you do. I would be remiss if I didn't say the post has disturbed me. I'm in early stages, symptomatic, unable to work. Will I be faced with a similar situation as things progress? Since finding out I have HD, if I feel angry or upset, I'm afraid to express it in fear of someone saying it's the HD. I don't want my wife to go through this, I don't want to go through this. I went through a divorce 25 years ago. Divorce is a big step and unfortunatly necessary at times. The "grown" children still deal with it. I wish all of you the very best.
Mike



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/13/2012 06:27AM by mikee.

I know your message was posted 6 years ago but I haven't been on here for a really long time and I just found it. I'm wondering how things turned out for you. I think I'm in exactly the same situation now that you were in then. I have twin boys that are 8.

I think I'd feel differently about staying if we'd had a loving relationship before HD kicked in. There is no love on our marriage. When I talked about leaving, he guilted me into staying by saying things like.... You know I'm dying. I don't mean to be a bother.

It is lonely being with someone who doesn't love you. He told his therapist but denied he did. I am now a bitter person who doesn't want her children to think this is the normal way to live and treat your spouse.

Sally, I too don't visit here as often. I don't do facebook, but maybe some of the people in this message thread have moved to that?
Sadly I'm sure this topic of divorce is very common.
I've thought about it too. My husband has developed anger issues. My son has some issues as well and sometimes it is hell around here. But my husband has never become physically abusive laying hands on me or our son. I find it best to stay calm. Sometimes humor will help if possible. Sometimes I just disconnect and have a reverse "time out" alone and away.
He has changed, but I still see the person I married more than not. The love I have for him is different. I'd say we no longer have a romantic marriage. He doesn't want to go out. He doesn't like to be around other people. He retired early so his world is getting small and it's difficult for him to understand my world. He doesn't like to talk much now. It's frustrating because I feel I've sort of lost my best friend. He's still here, but changed. Although I've changed too. I try to think about what he must be going through. I think what if that was me and I was going through these changes?
If I didn't know he had HD I probably would have divorced him. I keep in my mind that he isn't doing these things on purpose.
I see a therapist (my son does too). I'd like my hubby to go, but that isn't going to happen.
It's possible my decision could change, but I've decided to stay with him. But I would never judge anyone who decided differently. For my situation, I'd not feel good about myself for leaving. I'd feel guilty, sad and not good feelings. I feel I am still able to find much joy and fulfillment in my life. I would miss him. I still love him and know I always will.

Sally, I too don't visit here as often. I don't do facebook, but maybe some of the people in this message thread have moved to that?
Sadly I'm sure this topic of divorce is very common.
I've thought about it too. My husband has developed anger issues. My son has some issues as well and sometimes it is hell around here. But my husband has never become physically abusive laying hands on me or our son. I find it best to stay calm. Sometimes humor will help if possible. Sometimes I just disconnect and have a reverse "time out" alone and away.
He has changed, but I still see the person I married more than not. The love I have for him is different. I'd say we no longer have a romantic marriage. He doesn't want to go out. He doesn't like to be around other people. He retired early so his world is getting small and it's difficult for him to understand my world. He doesn't like to talk much now. It's frustrating because I feel I've sort of lost my best friend. He's still here, but changed. Although I've changed too. I try to think about what he must be going through. I think what if that was me and I was going through these changes?
If I didn't know he had HD I probably would have divorced him. I keep in my mind that he isn't doing these things on purpose.
I see a therapist (my son does too). I'd like my hubby to go, but that isn't going to happen.
It's possible my decision could change, but I've decided to stay with him. But I would never judge anyone who decided differently. For my situation, I'd not feel good about myself for leaving. I'd feel guilty, sad and not good feelings. I feel I am still able to find much joy and fulfillment in my life. I would miss him. I still love him and know I always will.