I'm hoping someone can give my sister and I advice about how to help our mother manage her money/check card/ etc.

Mom was diagnosed with Huntington's two years ago, but my father was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer right afterward, so she has not had much in the way of treatment. I keep trying to get my sister to take her to the Huntington's clinic in Charlottesville, VA... but she's resistant. I don't know how much to explain- it's complicated.

Anyhow- my question of the moment is, does anyone have advice about helping a H+ person handle their money? Since my dad died, my mom has been blowing through her savings at an astounding rate. If she keeps this up, she's going to have to sell her house in less than two years.

My sis keeps trying to put her on a budget. But mom can't add up receipts. Or keep a check register. We tried giving her a cash allowance, but it caused endless problems. She kept saying she couldn't handle the bills. My sister bought her a new wallet, a new purse, easy-to-access stuff, but mom had screaming fits about it.

So she took her to the bank and got her a debit card she could deposit weekly amounts in for mom's spending money. Only she blew past the limit in the first week.

My mom is living alone. She's driving. She shuffles when she walks, coughs all the time when she's eating, has trouble using her hands (which she denies- she says her hands are fine, she just has a "touch of arthritis." Ha!) and can't pay her bills. She can microwave meals, and we've gotten her house-cleaning help, but my sister won't even discuss having her driving evaluated.

I am very, very frustrated trying to help long distance. I've offered over and over to go up on a monthly basis and help or to have mom come live down here with me, but my sister will neither accept my help or consider getting any kind of paid help. She wants mom to be "independant" for as long as possible. Which is nice... but I don't think she's really independent any more. I'd like to see her have more help before she has a car wreck or falls down the stairs.

Sorry- I'm over-flowing on the page. If anybody had ideas about the money, I'd be grateful. Right now they're trying a large calculator lying on the counter. Mom's supposed to add up her receipts when she comes home after using her debit card.

Thanks,
A

Would she let your sister handle all of the money? Until somebody takes over she will continue to overspend. My husband went through a ton of money. I had to take his spending ability away, otherwise we would have nothing.

in our family I'm the one thqat gets the income and pays the bills because my hub has mental health issues and never pays anything. We have a rent subsuduzed handicapped small apt which has no energy costs but internet phone and cable.
i really cannot haandle any more financial stress but know a bill paid has no interest next month and hubbie has never understood that.

As far as the long distance issue: Your sister may have a different view of the situation because of the close proximity... In my experience volunteering, often the sibling living in the same town becomes the de facto caretaker. This added pressure can lead to resentment toward the other siblings who are perceived to "swoop in" with all the answers. Could you plan a trip to visit because you miss them (not an "I'm coming to help you" visit)? It might give you more perspective as to what is really going on. Just a thought.

Oh God- This was a big deal with my mom as well. She blew through money also and as the illness progressed appeared to have been unable to grasp why this was an issue. Although, I do have to say, once we moved her into an apt, she got better with it. It is a very tricky situation. Is she on any type of SSI (you may have mentioned this, sorry if it has been discussed), you can get her a legal payee. Good luck. . I know it's hard.

One thing that I have learned over the years is that we cannot put our focus on what we want for our loved ones without also considering what we don't want and are afraid we might get. Your sister is focusing on allowing your mother to keep her independence as long as possible (an admirable goal certainly) and she is not seeing that your mother is in fact no longer independent already. There are no suggestions for how to help your mother manage her money because she can't. If she could, she'd be doing it. There are clearly problems with impulse control and cognitive impairment. She can't manage her spending because she sees something and she wants it and so she buys it. She can't balance her checkbook because she can't do the math. This is not her fault, it's the disease and at this point in time, these symptoms aren't fixable.

So you and your sister need to sit down, in person, and discuss the hard questions. Which is more important, having your mother retain her car and her license so she can go wherever she likes or avoiding her killing herself and/or someone else with poor driving? (That one I'd answer with the second one because safety first is a big value for me). Which is more important, allowing your mother the satisfaction of spending her money or preserving it for the future? This one is more complicated. If she has medical insurance or a supplemental medical insurance policy or a long term care policy, then these need to be paid but beyond that what are the consequences of allowing her to waste her money (as opposed to getting guardianship)? Will her assets (the house and savings) if preserved pay for her nursing home care when needed or will she have to spend these assets down and go on Medicaid?

Isa makes an excellent point about how hard it is to be the de facto caregiver and deal with the opinions of siblings that aren't there. And it cuts two ways. Your sister could have an accurate view of some aspects of your mother's condition just because she is there everyday. (Often relatives that visit briefly often don't see the degree of impairment because it is subtle and doesn't evidence itself every day). Or she could do what so many of us have done and adapt to small changes and adapt again until she doesn't see that the situation has become dysfunctional for both her and her mother. And it could be a mix of the two. So go see your sister and your mother. Let your sister know you are grateful for taking care of your mother and that you love them both. Then sit down and talk frankly. You may not want to start off by talking about the present but rather couch it as a talk about preparing for the future. Then ease into talking about the problems of the present.

We'll be thinking about you. Keep us posted!

I appreciate your answers.

As I've been reading around on this forum, it's hard for me to take in and cope with the ideas of what is going to happen to all of us in the future.

Marsha, I especially appreciated your reply. I think you are right in that she has already lost the ability to manage her money. But it will probably take some time for my sister to acknowledge this fact on her own.

My sister is worn out and overburdened right now from caring for my father, getting him through chemo, managing his estate and my grandpa's estate (he died at the same time) and dealing with my increasingly difficult mother through the whole mess. I am trying to be patient, gentle, and helpful with her. But I had to fight for TWO YEARS to get my mother to a doctor to be diagnosed because no one else in the family could see how bad she was getting. (I thought she had had a series of mini-strokes or something. None of us knew Huntington's ran in the family.)

My sister is capable of ignoring unpleasant truths that she does not want to face. And I can understand, after everything she's been through, that she feels like she can't handle any more right now. She is overwhelmed and doesn't feel that she can mentally handle taking on the Huntington's issues, too. But that does not change the fact that my mother needs more help than she's getting.

I feel like if I could just get her to start taking mom to the Huntington's clinic, the social workers, doctors, and support group people would help my sister with her denial and my mother with her challenges. I have been offering to drive up once a month to take her to the clinic, but my sister won't even let me do that. If I try to help, I get yelled at. If I don't help enough, I get yelled at. I was yelled at for months by everyone in the family for insisting that my mom needed to see a doctor (they had no medical insurance.) When I called around and found a free clinic, I was accused of being pushy and interfering. Mom finally saw a doctor because my grandpa's nurse insisted.

I want to take care of mom, but I don't want to wreck the family doing it. I've about accepted that she is going to have an auto accident or fall down the stairs before my sister or my brother are going to acknowledge that she needs in-home help. She has medicare now. And, if they could stop the spending sprees, she could afford 8-10 hours of nursing assitance a week. I researched it and found a service that would come and help her shop & cook & stuff. But my sister keeps telling me she "doesn't have the money." Maybe she doesn't, but if they don't do something about the impulse spending soon, she'll be down to living on social security and medicare.

I don't know what to do. Sorry to blabber so much about it.

I completely understand your situation. My husband's father became unable to manage money and his wife was unwilling to "take over". I know he spent money on lots of unnecessary "things". My husband is now spending large sums of money on a personal passion. In fact, this summer he has spent approximately $1000 on a hobby. I'm not sure how to handle it either as we're getting ready to transition to no driving & this is yet "another thing I'm taking away from him." (Internet spending is a difficult thing.)

You're in a challenging position - being away from your mother and sister. What about asking your mother if she wants to come live with you? I don't know if that would work - or if it would cause trouble with your sister/siblings. Just a thought.