I am new to this site. It has taken me months to join. Everytime I read the posts, I just cry. My doctor put me on anti-depressents which I have stopped taking since they have made me gain tons of weight and now I am back to crying constantly. My husband was diagnosed with HD in Apr. of 2009. We have a son who turns 5 in March. I beat myself up everyday for bringing my son into this. I hate to say this because it makes me sound like a horrible mother like I wished he was never born. I love him with all my heart that it hurts physically. I pray everyday that God spares him from this. My husband is constantly angry and picks fights over everything. My son gets upset because he doesn't understand and will say "Mommy, stop making daddy mad". It breaks my heart. We knew that HD ran in my husbands family. But we stupidly fooled ourselves once he reached his late 30's into thinking he was safe since his mother began her symptoms in her early 30's. He never seemed like someone who would have it. Then 2 years after my son was born he started having severe muscle fatigue, twitching in his muscles and pain in his limbs. He went to 3 different doctors until they decided to abrubtly test him. No mental evaluation, they just tested him. We were seated in that little room waiting for the results. He was so sure it was negative and I had a gut feeling it was positive. I hate my gut feelings. We have slowly grown apart in our marriage. His rage and anger have become increasingly unsettling for me. I walk around on eggshells. I do everything I can until at times I just snap which causes him to go full tilt. I try so hard not to let my son see it, but I can't control when my husband will just get set off. Anything can cause it. I don't know what to do anymore. We live in MD, but our entire family (both sides) lives in PA. I have no family support close by. I want to move back home so badly and he doesn't. I am scared to leave him alone with our son. He's only ever gotten really mad one time where he grabbed him and tossed him onto his bed when he wouldn't listen. He didn't hurt him ( but scared him), and I jumped in between the two of them and pushed him away which caused him to get even more angry. Then an hour later he calmed down and apologized. I hate this. I know it is ten thousand times worse for my husband. He knows what his future is going to be from seeing his mother. I only have stories to go by. His brothers and sisters try to talk with me, but they know I end up in tears and don't want to upset me. I just don't know what to do anymore. Sorry for rambling. Just sort of typing what I am feeling right now. If anyone is in the same position, I would love someone to just talk to.

Hey, i just wanted to say i'm so sorry for what you are going through, and yes, there's many people here going through similar situations. But don't beat yourself up, right now your little boy needs you to be strong, calm and healthy. I would definitely try and find a different antidepressant to try for yourself, there are so many you can try, because you can't take care of everyone else, until you take care of you too. Hang in there hon. Has your husband been tried on any antidepressants or mood stabilizers?

I can tell you 100% that I've walked in your shoes. Add another young child at home and 2 teenagers (from my first marriage and not at risk) and you'd be talking about me. Looking back symptoms were there from the first day we met. I chalked it up to him working a ton of hours and traveling but as the years progressed and the kids came along he was having more and more trouble dealing with work and home life. His Dr. put him on anti-depressants which he'd take for awhile then quit. He would abuse pain medication and booze until I threatened to leave then he'd quit cold turkey for a few months before the cycle started again.
Finally in 2008 he almost lost his job because he couldn't keep up, was tired all the time and was making poor decisions. Luckily just before they fired him he called HR and told them he felt something was wrong and needed a leave of absence. During that time he was tested for anything and everything and hd was one of them. The Dr.'s agreed his working and driving days were over.
Since then its been the roller coaster ride from hell. Anger is huge in his world. He would get angry and decide to burn stuff. I had to hide gas cans for the mower in our neighbors shed.
Then his anger turned to me. I had to hid car keys, my purse, credit cards, checkbook, computers had to be password protected, important documents had to be locked away....you name it. If the kids got too loud he'd storm out of his room screaming profanity at them. One morning he tried to light spray cans on fire. When I smacked the lighter out of his hand he grabbed my hair and started beating me in the face. Luckily I was able to knock him off balance or I really believe he would have killed me. He was in a blind rage.
Everytime the police came they would tell me "you can't do this any more", but I really didn't know what to do. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt that a change in medication would stop the anger.
I was wrong. The last change in medication around halloween this year was a disaster. I woke up at 5 am to him cutting open his mattress with a hunting knife. He was hallucinating and could barely walk. Police came and discovered he was seconds from lighting the mattress on fire while the children and I were alseep.
That was the final straw. He was admitted to a medical psych unit for two weeks to adjust medication and now is in a nursing home. Of course NOW he's calm and the model patient. The home's social worker keeps asking for a discharge plan and I keep telling her he isn't coming home. She sees a 45 yr old man who doesn't give them problems and thinks all is well but I know better.
His Dr.'s agree he needs 24hr supervision. He's already told me he wants to come home so he can "stop taking all this medication".
I'll tell you what everyone on this board told me each time my husband went off the deep end and that is this: Your safety and your child's safety HAS to be your first priority. It's a guilt ridden road you are traveling. You want to protect your child but at the same time you want to help your husband with this horrible disease.
There is no easy answer. Some Phd's go through an anger phase and come out the other side fine. Other's like my husband do not. The answer lies in you. Where is your line in the sand?
I tried, I really did. My husband's at risk sibblings think I'm the biggest b!@ch in the world but in 5 years they only visited him once. They didn't live with this on a daily basis and they didn't see the emotional trauma my children had to deal with. I feel awful for what my children have already gone through. They miss the dad he used to be but are scared to death of the man he is now. He is in the safest place for all of us.

I feel for all of you. Keep yourself and your child safe. If you can get your husband to go to a dr or psychiatrist there are medications that
can help him - he would be more calm and not as agressive as now. I would talk to the dr prior to his visit so that the dr would know what is going
on and that way you wouldn't have to talk with your husband in the room at the time of the visit. Also, you could mention medications that have
worked for people with HD like zyprexa, antidepressants, etc. You could even make the visit and tell your husband the visit is for you and you would like him to come. A good dr can guide you both throught he visit.

Idigo9585 - Reading your post just stopped me dead in my tracks. I look back to 1994 when I was still dating my husband and I remember him punching a hole in the wall of my house over something very dumb. He also picked up a knife and went after our dog who made him angry one time. I actually stood between him and the dog staring at this knife praying he wouldn't kill me. Most people would have left then. But I didn't. I just thought it was a stressful time for him. The thing that scares me most after reading your post (since I still don't have a complete picture of this disease even though I am living with it) is the phsychotic episodes. He is a police officer and we have guns in the house. One time I remember him getting so angry that I was scared he was going to grab his gun that I actually went and got it and threw it outside under a bush to hide it. He then realized it was missing (which tells me he was going for it) and got enraged with me that I had hidden it. He said I was treating him like a child. He hasn't had any of these "severe" episodes in long time (meaning ones where he looks for actual weapons). But he still does go into rages over very small things and he is constantly looking for an argument. He has 2 brothers and 2 sisters. All 5 children are from different fathers. Their mother (HD pos who passed in 92 at age 56) was very "premiscuous". I think it had to do with the disease. I hate myself for feeling like I want to leave. I feel like it makes me a horrible wife for not wanting to stand by him to help him and a horrible mother for putting my son in this situation. I'm not to sure what to think about anything anymore. I have no idea how far into this disease we are, if my husband will live to see his son at least graduate high school, if these are very early stages or if we are in it now. If these are EARLY stages I can't even imagine what it's going to be like. And I don't know how much I can take when the early stages are already unimaginable...it just goes on and on. Part of me sometimes (and this is going to sound so hateful and awful) wish he would just be killed on the job so that he doesn't have to go through this and our son doesn't have to see this. I've never said these words to anyone until this very moment. It makes me sound like a murderer or something, but it's truly how I feel. How god awful if that??!! I don't know of anyone who wishes their husband dead. I'm so sorry. I hope this isn't inappropriate for this forum.

I also know exactly what you are going through. I met my husband at 17 though and knew NOTHING about HD until he was diagnosed almost 4 years ago. He is now 45. We already had 3 kids when we found out. He is the only person in his family to have HD. His siblings appear fine and they are much older. My husband also became very angry and violent. I had to have guns and ammo removed from our house and I would make our then 4 year old sleep in my room with me everynight with the door locked because we never knew what he would do. He did go into our oldest son's room one night with a knife and started stabbing at someone he thought he saw. Thank God our son was away at college at the time. He had several psychotic episodes and none of the meds that he was on helped, actually seemed to make things worse. He has now been in a nursing home for over a year. The kids and I are much happier and so is my husband. Our 5 year old has adjusted very well. I did and still do feel a lot of guilt over that decision, but I know that it was something that I had to do. When he went after our children that was the last straw, they will always come first! If you and your son are in danger please get help! Even If that means leaving or having your husband placed somewhere.

My heart gos out to you because so many of us have been there also. You feel like there is no one to really help you. Most importantly your emotions and termoil are valid but understand that he is sick. You are not at fault..nor is he. Because he is so unstable and unable to realize what he is doing to you and your son it is up to you to take on a new position in your marriage that of helping to be caretaker of him and protector of your son. As frustrated as you are once you begin to realize that he is not the person that you married but someone whose brain has a disease you will be able to distance yourself from these feelings of helplessness. He really needs more help than what you can provide and you need it too. I know it seems overwhelming but there is a calmer place for you as we can attest to.

If your husband is still able to work then I'd say he's probably early stages. Please keep in mind that not every phd goes down the same path. As the disease progresses in your husband his anger might lessen. No one knows.
Yes I'd be very worried about the guns in the house but just about anything could be used as a weapon when you think about it. My husband is 6'2" and built like a linebacker. I didn't stand much of a chance even without a weapon!

Both Judy and I have had similar issues and our husbands are also about the same age. But that's not everyone's experience. That is why I think you need to draw that line in the sand. At what point do you say I can't do this anymore? There have been times I've wished God would spare my husband all this suffering too. I don't think that makes you a bad person at all. No one wants to watch someone they love suffer.

I took the oportunity when my husband was first diagnosed to find out what his wishes were. Feeding tubes, nursing homes, funeral and so on. I'm glad I did. I never thought his disease would progress this fast and now he is so easily confused that I'm glad we talked when we did. The guy I married would have protected us at all costs and I have to remember the guy he used to be when making these tough decisions. The rational guy I married would have told me to NEVER subject myself or our kids to this.

So your husband knows he has hd and if he's like my husband he's probably in denial about symptoms. Does his employer know about his disease? To this day my husband will tell people he has hd but he also says "I'm not going to die from this" and "I'm getting better".
If his employer knows then maybe you have to talk to his supervisor about removing his gun? I know thats complicated but your situation is a bit different. I actually went to the police with information about hd and to let them know we didn't have guns in the house. It has helped when they needed to respond.

Its challenging to try and stay one step ahead of the angry outbursts and walk on eggshells everyday but like Judy, we are now breathing a sigh of relief that he isn't in the home any more. I know we're safe, the kids are much less stressed and most of all I know HE is safe.

I sent you a PM. I understand what you are going through. You can PM me anytime you want. God Bless.

Please also do not feel guilt over your fantasy of his death. I belive they are protection thoughts to help you feel there will be an end soon to the violence.. but it IS a fantasy. You must not dwell on your thoughts but go into action and help yourself and your kids be safe. If you are hiding his guns, and he knows it, then you were right he was going for it. GET OUT. You also need to think of your children's psychological needs and I'm thankful many of the children on here are coping, but many also DO NOT. For many reasons, and I'm not a shrink so I COULD be wrong. Many kids being abused by a parent, whether illness or not, feel unworthy and carry that into adulthood. Also for your kids that are at risk, it puts a terrible fear into them about their own future, and I've known at riskers to commit suicide rather than think they are facing a fate of HD. Please get out.. ( I also know of a Phd that was going to burn his house down planning on his wife and daughter being in the house) Not all Phd's are like this, (Our sweet Barb is a WONDERFUL example) but some are and hoping it will go away will not help keep you safe. Pat

Remember: Being a good wife is taking care of his child. There is no guilt or shame or betrayal in that.

Wow what a truly awful situation to be in! I can totally relate to the emotional turmoil and fear of these irrational outbursts, but I at least don't have kids in the middle of it as we knew about the potential for my hubby to get HD and decided not to have kids.

I have once again only last weekend experienced a violent outburst from my poor hubby, when I had him home for a few days from the nursing home - He seemed to get really jealous that my son had come to visit (my hubby and I have been married 20 years and my son was with us all that time and they have had a fantastic relationship all along). - and seemed unable to cope with the feelings and after eying of a steak knife for brief moment he just grabbed a chair and started trying to smash it against the table - he lost his balance and my son grabbed him as he fell backwards, saving him from hitting his head agains another bench top. I found this outburst so unexpected and surprising - but he then seemed to be so agitated, and trying to fight me off whilst I was later trying to change his shirt. It's hurtful, but you just know it's not something he or I can control. I feel so sorry for him...but I can't live in a powder keg situation and never have been able to (my sons father was rather volatile without having HD to blame and I lasted a very short time with him - especially when his anger started being directed to our son who was only 2 or 3 years old...I got out and stayed out)

Personally speaking I think you would do well to try to get professional help or intervention in your situation, because it sounds like it's getting out of control and your son needs you (like others have said) to be well and he deserves a chance to grow emotionally without all this stress and trouble. I feel for you and your husband, and we all know that it's no-ones fault that this has happened, but it sounds very destructive and no good can come of staying in a situation like that - can you get some counseling - with or without your husband?

First of all, I just want to say how truly greatful I am to have found this forum. I was in an extremely dark place last night and just cried non stop for hours. I think God showed me this group to help me. Reading your stories and hearing your experiences lets me know I am not a bad person for having some of the awful thoughts I am having. No one ever knows how they will react in certain situations and I always thought I was a strong person, but this disease has made me question how strong I actually am. My son is my FIRST concern ALWAYS. I would give my life for him. My son was not born yet when my husband had the knife and gun incident. This was many many years ago. My son has only witnessed loud outbursts of anger. He hasn't ever seen him hit anything or grab any type of weapon. So I am hopeful that some of the more dangerous violent outbursts are being contained simply by my son being here. But if I ever thought for one moment my son's well being were in any danger, I would remove both of us that very moment. I am trying to allow my son to have as much time as God allows us to have with my husband. I am fearful that my husband will decline rapidly as his mother did before my son reaches an age where I can even try to explain to him what is happening. He is not afraid of my husband and he loves his daddy so much. So that is when my heart breaks the most. I hate this disease with every fiber of my being for the lives it robs and the ones left in it's wake that have to endure this. I look at my son everyday and pray for him. Not a day has gone by since we were diagnosed that I don't think about this. I would give my own life if I knew God would spare him from this. Thank you so much for just listening to me. I don't know any of you, and I feel a closeness to you all already. So thank you for your warm welcome and kind words. I think I will be coming here often. Please feel free to talk freely with me as well and ask any questions. Love to all and may the holidays be happy for ALL of us.

I'm glad you found the forum and are finding it helpful. The thing is, you said your husband threw your son on the bed and scared him, but didn't hurt him. That did hurt him. That terrified him. I know about being terrified of a parent. It is the worst abuse there is. Verbal and emotional abuse are actually even more harmful than physical abuse. Have any antipsychotics been tried on your husband, something has to be done now, because what is going on, is very seriously not good for your son

If I was in a similar position , as hard as it might be I would get help . First help for me , because so many of us no how hard it is to make any decision when our mind is crowded with thoughts and emotions . You need to strengthen you , build yourself up . Your in a complex situation . A very difficult one to talk about . Talking here is good , finding someone near you , would be really good . As you strengthen yourself , it will be easier to make your decisions . So do you have someone you can talk to ? my best thoughts. db

Wow. I am new to this site as well. I am a wife of a newly diagnosed HD positive husband. Found out a year ago. We don't have kids. I am grateful for that. But I ak scared too. He is not a violent person at all. He is gentle and kind. But I am scared of what could happen in the future. He is too. He is always angry and apathetic. He tried to hide it but some nights it comes out. He is showing minor cognitive symptoms. I was happy to fi d this site and it gave me hope to find other spouses going through this. I've read some terrifying posts on this thread and my heart goes out to all you wives. This is such a whirlwind for us as spouses. I couldn't imagine having children to worry about...even though we always wanted children..just never happened. We have been married 7 years. Together 14. Thanks for listening....or reading....

Welcome swirly girly.