You know, i've had other grief's in my life, that you're just dealing with the grief. But i have to say, i'm sure learning a new aspect to being a widow. The grief was prob the least of my problems. Another aspect most people don't realize maybe, is the loss of identity. For instance, if a mans wife passes, he is still called Mr. What am i called now. I'm not miss, i don't like ms, so am i mrs? Couple weeks ago bought my daughter a birthday card. We've always bought cards that say to our daughter, now suddenly, was looking at cards, and realized i had to buy a card that said to my daughter. I didn't like that, cus she's our daughter, but i had to buy a my daughter card. It changes how you think of your identity, cus i still think of us as we, not me. And what sucks more than mother in laws? Ex mother in laws. Now, if dan and i had divorced, i would expect to be treated bad by his mom, but that's not the case, we didn't divorce. It's been one thing after another, and all about money. They keep asking my daughter what did she do with this and that, and dont let your mom keep that, or make sure you get this of your dads, cus if your mom has it she will cash it in for money, and if anyone gets anything of any money value, it should be you girls, but not your mom. As a matter of fact, the only thing dan had of value was his mechanics tools, worth bout 50 thousand, and dan always told me if anything ever happened to him, to sell the tools so me and the girls would have some money. But i broke my word to dan, i gave his tools to his mom, and i gave her his car. My daughters didn't get anything out of this deal, or me, except special things of sentimental value. I gave all to dan's mom, so it could never be said of me that i had any intentions for money gain, gave her everything, yet shes still demanding to know more, if i have a piece of jewellry that was his, etc, and you know what? I'm not a divorcee, i'm his wife and his heir. Why are some people so unrelenting, you know? It's the everyday things sometimes, like stupid salespeople calling and asking for dan, and me saying you cant talk to him he's dead. But honestly, i know i did everything right, and that nothing can ever be said against me in any of this. So i guess, oh well lol what can i say, mother in laws and identity crisis, but, those are just more things for me to deal with. Oh i'm being nicer to the sales call people now lol



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/17/2011 07:41AM by Barb.

There's a saying that fits your mother in law. "She knows the price of everything and the value of nothing." The most important things that Dan left behind was his lovely family. She should be appreciating all of you, not thinking about who gets what. Tell your daughter that the next time her grandmother starts up she should say, "Mom gave you Dad's car and tools even though he told her to sell them and keep the money. What more do you want? Why are you so obsessed with the idea that Dan should have left nothing to my mother, his wife?" And after that, the subject should be CLOSED. Don't let her start up. End any conversation where she tries to bring this stuff up with, "I'm hanging up now that you are obsessing about money again."

Socially you can use Barb (Mrs. Dan Marshall).
As recently as the 1970's The use of Mrs. Barb Marshall meant you were divorced.
I had Vogue book of Etiquette which had lots of this stuff.
Until you remarry you are his widow. You would get a W on the census for marital status which means widowed. IF you were dead Dan would get a w for widowed. Widowed goes on until you die or remarry.
The historical word was relict which means your are the last one living of a marriage.
You are on the English law side of Canada which has common property.

In Quebec a woman uses her own name from birth to death with reference to her mother not her father. This is because the birth mother is obvious at the time of birth where as the father can be anyone.

I am still Patrica Ann Morgan when I did cohort in Montreal. All mail sent to me in Ontario used my maiden name only. But I am more used to the napoleanic code because I was born and married in Quebec. My first degree is Patricia Ann Morgan. My second degree is Patricia Ann Morgan Candlish because I was married and had to work only under the name on my diploma

Ross and I had informals printed at Birks which said Mr and Mrs Ross M Candlish. If you knew the person you were writing to, you put one line vertically through the name, and if had not met them then you left the name alone.My sisters had copper plates with Mr and Mrs Hugh S. Watson or Mr and Mrs Charles C. Gordon. My mother's was Dr. and Mrs. George S. Morgan.Whenever they needed stationary they took the plate to birks. In the long run this meant you always used the same script because to choose another scrpt meant engraving the whole thing over which was expensive.

Their wedding invitations were also engraved at Birks. The engraving was expensive but the cost of each invitation very cheap. The plates were fun to look at because they were backwards to read.

By the time I got married a suitable raised ink which looked engraved was available at Birks and both my wedding invitations and informals were of the new ink. But each printing was at far higher cost.

I suggest a nice diffenbachia for your MIL.
[www.cbif.gc.ca]

thoughtfully Dusty



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/17/2011 09:26AM by dustyblues.

Is your Mother in laws, Mother in law still alive? I'd (be prepared, hateful statement coming) love to see what would happen if HER husband were to pass and HIS mother started saying all these things.. I'm sure she'd not think it'd be appropriate in the least little bit. Hateful people don't deserve a second thought.. try to not think of her. Love ya, Pat

Barb-

I would use Mrs. Dan Marshall or Mrs. Barb Marshall or whatever you prefer. You are still who you are even Dan isn't here on earth with us.

I feel so badly for you and actually for your mother-in-law as well. You are such a nice person and not deserving of her accusations whatsoever.
She, on the other hand, has totally missed out on what life is about and what is actually important and will never be as happy as you (who knows
what is important and has lived her life that way). You have also shown your daughters what is most important so that they may live good happy
lives.

As far as anything else she asks for - those were Dans and are now yours and belong to you and eventually to your daughters as you wish.
She should be ashamed of herself for asking for items.

Marsha had an excellent post and I totally agree with her. She was "right on" with what she said.

Just stay as you are Barb. Those who know you know who you are.

Sharon

Barb-
Families can become so sad when it comes to money. In my case, after Allison was diagnosed and we had to move to make life easier for both of us, my sister who had been estranged from the family for 30 years took the opportunity to destroy it. My father had died 5 years earlier leaving my mother very well to do. My mother appeared to be in the early stages of Alzheimer's and was very vulnerable. My sister, who had seen my mother about five times in the previous 30 years took the opportunity to put all my mother's assets (and believe me when I say they were plentiful) in her name and to pretty much turn folks against me. She went about telling everyone that Allison was an embarrassment to the family and making monetary promises to everyone to avoid us. This was so upsetting because I was the one who looked out for my parents throughout their senior years. Anytime I invited my mother to come visit us she would tell me that she had to ask my sister for permission. Finally my sister banned her from visiting us. As a result. Allison has not seen her grandmother in almost five years! Ironically, my in laws are still close and visit regularly even though my wife died 18 years ago. Our situation illustrates the false importance people put in money. My sister is a nurse and married to a dentist and they certainly don't need the money. Yet, money was more important to her than her brother or niece. She has gained nothing important (she could have had it anyway, I never wanted my mom's money) and has destroyed relationships that can never be fixed. I know how to contest her actions, and would prevail in court, but I have more important things to do. So Barb, you are not alone. Families act stupidly when they smell money! Try not to worry about it! Just be yourself and you'll be fine.

Dusty, you are so funny! I looked at your link, and it's for a mother-in-law plant. Guess what Dan's mom gave me the day we got married?????? LOL A mother-in-law plant!!!!!!!!! LOL And thanks for the useful info Dusty, i didn't know mrs barb marshall meant divorced lol, that's what i've always gone by, or barb marshall. It's other people, when dan passed, some people that sent me cards sent it to ms marshall! I guess they just didn't know what to do, i'm glad i can still be called mrs, i didn't know if i could.

You guys are all great, my daughter actually went to visit dan's mom yesterday, she's missing her dad a lot, and missing her grandma, so she thought it would be a real nice visit, but instead she was plastered with questions about me, and rude comments, and they also were really rude to my daughter too, made some really bad personal comments. So i have already toned things down with mil, im just cordial to her, and jen is quite hurt after yesterday, and is going to put some distance now too. It's too bad, but she is being treated like because her dad isn't here any more, that she is no longer family either.

Thanks guys for all your stories

Crazy - life is short and she is destroying a relationship with her daughter in law and granddaughter - relationships that could probably keep her closer to Dan's memory than anything else would... When my mom's dad died (of Leukemia) his side of the family somehow blamed my grandmother and that was it - end of relationship with my mom and her family.

Everyone is already hurting from loss and should be coming together but instead people completely lose sight of what is important in life ...