I went to visit my mother-in-law and PHD brother-in-law this evening with my kids while my husband was at work. My BIL has a history of breaking things in the home but according to my MIL hasn't been doing that for awhile. The last time she watched my kids without us there he threw something with my 18 mos old son in the room when he was angry. We have gone back and forth with letting the kids over there without us do to his anger. Today she was going to watch my son while I took my 3 yr old daughter to Chuck E Cheese for a birthday party. I dropped him off and then we returned after the party to have dinner with them.

We bought them a microwave for Christmas which has now been broken twice. My MIL says she accidentally pushed it off the counter when she was cleaning under it. Today I noticed the TV in her bedroom was broken, like it had been thrown out of a second story window. She launched into this long story about how she had tried to lift it off of her tall dresser, she's only 5 ft tall, by herself and dropped it. This doesn't make any sense because before she has always left heavy stuff for me or my husband to help her with. Then there was a bench in the kitchen with one side of the legs broke off, also my son's booster seat he sits in was missing one entire side and looked as though a semi had run over it.

Sorry this is so long but we have been dealing with this for awhile and I just don't know what to do. I worry she is not telling us the truth because she wants to be able to keep our kids. This makes me a little aggravated because I feel it's putting my kids in danger. I also worry that she is putting herself in danger and that she doesn't seek help when he becomes violent. Last year we took him on vacation and it ended with him and my husband wrestling on the ground after he had shook my then three week old son's car seat when he was angry.

If anyone has any advice it would be helpful, I just want her to feel like she can tell us anything and that she will still be able to see her grandkids. And of course we want everyone to be safe.

Hey brandy, i absolutely understand this, and so i know i can tell you what will help. I am in very early stage hd, and i'm also a grandmother, so i can give a lot of perspectives. Yes, no more babysitting for grandma, because she is making excuses for the phd son, that are not leaving your children safe. And i also understand her wants and needs, but yes, boundaries and rules have to be set now. She will be disappointed and she will be hurt, but she will get over it. When our daughter had her baby, she was living with us, and when she went back to work a year later, me and my husband were babysitters. I used to look after elisa many times by myself, when my husband would go out, but my daughter started to have concerns. Never any concerns for how i cared for elisa, but when i had a ministroke one night, my daughter was concerned that could happen when i was babysitting by myself. I loved my alone time with elisa, i used to take her in the stroller and go to the thrift stores and things, and elisa loved going on outings with me too. But, i was told it was the end of any alone outings for me, and yes i was heartbroken, but i knew the truth was the truth, and so i accepted that. Also, i was not to do any more alone babysitting, hubby had to be there, and that was heartbreaking too, but i got over it. When they moved out, sometimes elisa would come to our place for overnight visit, and Dan and i both loved those times so much. Elisa is 7 now, but now that dan has passed away, nothing has been said to me, but i know there will be no more sleepovers. I just know that, even though i have not asked. So they come for visits now, but not babysitting, and i get to see elisa that way. Yes, it is a hard thing for a grandmother to get used to, but, she is putting your children in harms way, by lying and covering up for the phd son, and that is something that even i would never do, is lie about possible safety of grandchildren. I have to say, this is beyond unacceptable, because she has put the son first, and her needs first. See what i mean? I know this will be a hard thing for you to do, but i think no more babysitting, and instead, family visits. Good luck in your decision

Do the kids have anything to report?

It could be (but not as likely as your senerio) that he knocked them over being clumsy.

No the parents already witnessed it themselves, when the brother was shaking the baby car seat in anger, and the husband had to wrestle him to the floor to get him to stop.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/23/2011 01:09AM by Barb.

I guess i always try and think about what my dad would have wanted before HD "took over" my dad would have wanted his children and grandchildren to be safe and happy - and to never look at him with fear in their eyes. I try to protect my kids a little bit from the unfortunate behavior that he displays - I know he would never act like that 10 years ago. Totally stinks having to make this tough choices - but, that's what parents do. you will never forgive yourself if you put your children in a situation that you know in your heart is not right.

Brandy-

Can your MIL come to your home to watch your children for short periods of time?

Sharon

She will not go anywhere without my BIL, we've had to stop inviting her to some of the kids events because she won't come without him. She doesn't want to hurt his feelings which I understand but it's just not safe any longer having him in a room with 20 little children. He could easily knock one of them over. This has been an ongoing battle for us. He has been symptomatic since his late teens, for 12 or so years now, and never medicated. He won't even see a psychiatrist or neurologist and my MIL won't make him. We're afraid it's going to get worse when the time comes for a nursing home. I had to intervene a few years ago and finally convince my husband to talk to her about getting him SSI, she and my BIL have always been in denial. I am a social worker and so it is very difficult for me to watch him not receiving the services he could benefit from. I have done hospital social work for 2 1/2 years and so know how to navigate the system very well. But I don't like to butt in too much, being just the DIL, and my husband isn't as pushy as me.

Also thanks everyone for the advice, especially you Barb, I'm glad to get a grandmother's perspective. Some of it I believe is just being clumsy, but if you could see the pieces he's damaged, some of it is very evidently violent outbursts.

My Phd has broken so many things around the house I lost count. He did go through an anger phase where he was breaking things. Last summer he went through a fire phase (burning things outside in the fire pit).

At this point things get broken because he falls into them. From drywall to my antique foyer table. The Dr. has told him he needs a walker but at 44 he says he wont use it.

Maybe Grandma is telling the truth about things getting broken in anger (a slim chance w/o medication) but he could also be falling into some of these things. Of course this is a danger to your kids as well. I would have to agree no more babysitting unless Grandma is willing to come to your home without him. If she doesn't think he needs help then why is she afraid to leave him alone?

I think all you can do until grandma sees the light is supervised visits. You have to protect your kids.

She's not afraid to leave him alone, just doesn't want to hurt his feelings by not inviting him. He's home alone 50+ hours a week while she works. I don't think she would be trying to hide it if he were falling into things and accidentally breaking them.

I think Barb said this well . db

There is no question that the children cannot be around this man. In no uncertain terms: keep the kids safe.

It only takes one violent outburst to be on the 11 oclock news.