My husband left the hospital today after a 2 week stay. He was transferred to a rehab center about an hour away. I felt so bad leaving him there today. He is so depressed and wants nothing more than to be home. after about a week in the hospital he was doing so well that I actually thought that maybe he could come home. the past couple of days he seems to have taken a step backward.

When he was being so mean and with his latest issues with hallucinating I really thought that this it what I wanted, but when I got the call at work yesterday about placement, I just cried. With my work schedule and the NH being so far away I will probably only see him on weekends. Even though my friends tell me that I shouldn't feel guilty because this is what's best for everyone, I do feel that way. I just cannot believe that this is how our lives have turned out.

Judy,

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you.I hope that day by day as things are calmer at home, this separation is easier for you.

Paula

It is for the best, that doesn't mean in week one it will feel like it's for the best. Give it some time, and once you both adjust, visits of quality time trump living in conflict for both people. I know it's a little hard to see right now, let alone feel.

I know exactly what you are talking about. That's exactly the way I felt. I thought that by letting my wife go to the home, it was equal to putting her in a sinking car and walking away.

It's hard. There's nothing as hard as doing this. But the truth is, it's out of your hands. You did as much as anyone can do. It is no favor keeping him at home, and it could be dangerous for the both of you. He could be hurt, or he could hurt someone else. Now he's being cared for by a team. A team of professionals.

You can now help him by making sure you are both successful. If you failed he would have failed. He still has you in his corner, and you have the ability to make sure he is well taken care of.

If it could be any other way, it would be. You know that. But it can't. It didn't work. You know that too.

It will take a while to get used to it. He will become more acclimated to his new environment and he will thrive. They can do more for him than you could have ever done. Together you were failing, separated, you will both succeed.

I wish you the best.

Thinking of you.

I know that you guys are absolutely right. I guess it's just scarey to be all alone taking care of everything. I am just really emotional right now...on top of all of this happening we lost a nephew a couple of weeks ago, (not HD related).

so sorry Judy. About your nephew and the situation with your husband.

You aren't alone. You are in a very difficult position and you are doing what you have to do. I think Fred said it best. Re-read his post when you are feeling unsure.

The guilt is so intense - just heartbreaking - and it isn't just guilt - it is grief, saddness, frustration... It is a feeling that I think is foreign to people living "regular" lives.

we have no choice but to play the hand we are dealt. You are doing just that - and it sounds like you are doing just what needs to be done. Doesn't make it any easier though.

Judy, 4 1/2 years ago I had to place my daughter in a home. She was only 23 at the time. In the 12 months previous to this, she was hospitalized 15 times. She had even managed to land in solitary confinement in a state hospital. That's hard to do! It was not a healthy situation for her or me. I sold my house in Georgia and moved to New York as they are the only state that pays the premium price at Laurel Lake.I never felt guilty about this move because I knew that I had done all that I could do and was relocating to be with her. She adjusted very well and has been very happy there. The behavioral problems stopped immediately. Yesterday we were at MGH for the clinical trial that she is in. Dr Rosas, the neurologist running the trial was very pleased. She said that my daughter is doing much better than expected for someone her age with a 60 CAG. She is still alert, communicative, and ambulatory. Thinking back 5 years, I would then never have expected her to be in this shape now. The time that we share together (2-3 times per week) is now devoid of fighting, and most importantly high quality and enjoyable for both of us. I hope it works out similarly for you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/18/2010 10:33PM by howard.

What a beautiful supportive and sharing thread. Thank you for your words of experience and support for Judy.

Paula

I think that with life changes this big , that it is only reasonable that a person would find it emotional . My family has recently placed my Mom in a care facility . Each of us , found it hard . My dear Dad found it heart wrenching . He personally has stated , that when the feelings of " not wanting Mom in the nursing home , arises ", he tries hard to not allow himself to replay those thoughts in his head . It takes a lot of will power and determination to redirect those thoughts to more positive ones . I and my sibling follow his example . His reasoning is this ; He gave real thought to this decision , it was not a decision made in haste , and he knows he is going to support Mom , to the best of his abilities now and into the future . You have made the best decision you possible could , you have looked at this from all angles . This is the best decision for now . Allow yourself , the peace of mind that comes with that . Work hard at finding the good and positive in your decision . Try to work at not allowing yourself to second guess your decision . Second guessing will rob you of energy , and you need your energy . Your life is different to what you had expected , remember your past , but be determined to keep going , try to find enjoyment in your life now and as the days go by . Keep your life as simple as possible for awhile , maybe for a long while . Give yourself the kindness , you would a cherished friend . All of my best thoughts . db

Judy,
I, too, know exactly what you're going through. It is very, very difficult! It's the lost dream of how we all thought our lives would be or should be, but aren't. It really does get better, though. As Eric said, you'll start to see that the time you spend together is much more quality time. When Ray first went, I literally cried for weeks, but I'd go see him and he was adjusting fine. And I came to realize that I wasn't frustrated all the time and feeling helpless anymore; it really energized our whole family to be able to have a more meaningful connection with Ray, without all the stress and heartache. Give it time, it'll get better. Of course, it's never easy, matters of the heart never are, but it gets much better! Thinking of you and your husband and wishing you strength during this most difficult time!!

Michelle

I'll be thinking of you Judy, be gentle with yourself. This is so hard.

Take care,

Carla

Judy, I'm so sorry about the loss of your nephew.

There is some great advice on this thread. A lot of people end up having to make similar tough decisions with their parents going into homes. The guilt is always there, but in most cases the move has been made because of love and because of worry about how best to care for them. Professional carers, doctors and nurses might not have the history with a patient of a husband and wife or mother and child, but they are a team, they've had lots of training and experience and they're working together with a whole heap of resources that we don't have in our homes. Sometimes what they can offer is exactly what is needed.

I agree with Carla. Be gentle with yourself. Don't beat yourself up for caring.

Howard, I'm so pleased that your daughter is doing well.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/20/2010 11:41PM by itchyscratch.

My husband seems to be adjusting very well so far. We are looking forward to bringing him home for Thanksgiving. He seems to understand that we are doing what is best for him. He has a great room mate so that really helps.

I hope you have a great Thanksgiving.

So glad to hear that Judy - I hope his adjustment continues to be so positive. Have a great holiday.

I'm glad to hear that too Judy...hang in there hon

Judy, Very difficult thing with putting your husband in a facility. Glad to hear he seems to be accepting it so far. Is the facility far from your home?

I watched a new resident and the family at the NH just as you were posting right at first. It was quite a scene. The new resident was not happy to say the least. Had sort of a "you won't take me alive attitude"... He was placed right across from T's room. There were maybe 3 family members there and some tears. I have watched him for a week... he's doing great... wish I knew the family to tell them so. Not one issue. The rules are simple... eat three meals, take your meds if you have them, and take your showers. He's got that down.. otherwise people have been really nice to him... and he's been really nice back. He smiles and everything. Was from the next day forward. Granted it's only been a week or so. But he is doing really good. I think the surprise is always that a NH isn't Leavenworth. Really, for both the family and the resident. And you aren't, ultimately, necessarily doing anything bad TO them. It's not a perfect solution.. but not a bad one for most people.