Hi, Lisa,
I can certainly relate to what you said. (See my post under Someone Please Help Me posted by Agape.) I felt exactly the same way you do--convinced beyond any doubt that I had it and was already showing symptoms. Even the neuro who checked me out said I had some "subtle" symptoms that could be HD. Even worse, my daughter was showing signs of juvenile HD. (Panic attacks, temper tantrums, inability to sit still, among others.) I too felt that sense that my life had changed completely--for the worse--in the space of one very short evening.
I gradually, in the four months between finding out and getting my results, came to the conclusion that I could handle a positive result (which I knew I would have). I determined to survive it, the same way I would have battled and survived cancer, or any other life threatening disease. I decided HD wouldn't be a death sentance for me, or even a debilitating mind-robbing disease.
I gave myself permission to worry ONLY during my daily 2 mile walk. Because I had read so much about the devastating effects of stress, particularly on the brain cells, I tried very hard to control this. Exercise is key, in the same way our ancestors, in running from that saber-tooth tiger when they had a potentially harmful adrenaline rush, burned it off before it could harm them. (And also escaped the tiger! Maybe a poor illustration, but you get the point. Stay active to fight stress!)
After testing I took a short vacation, convinced it would be my last HD-free weekend. A month after the test, my neuro called me and told me it was negative. I couldn't believe it at first, but then felt as if I had been given a last minute reprieve.
However, I am convinced I could have handled the news had it been different. In a weird, strange way, I almost regret that I didn't have the challenge to look forward to--beating HD. (No, I don't participate in competitive sports, or life-risking activities. I'm usually considered sane, in fact, so this reaction puzzled me.)
I hope as you face your own HD trial you can find some of the inner strength I did. I hope your results are just as "positive"--meaning, negative, of course. (A real paradox, huh?) Feel free to email me (ksflake*at*home.com) if you have any questions or need a cyber shoulder to cry on. I have found some real friends in the HD community.
Good luck,
Kathy