Office Christmas Party Memo
From: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2007
Re: Office Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the
Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols. Please feel free to sing along. Don't be
surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a
special announcement at the Party.
I wish a Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Sincerely,
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not Christians.
There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have
other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!! How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody?!
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the
Union
Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe
$10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at
this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the
end of the party or else package everything up for you to take home in a
little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for
members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other, lesbians do not have to sit with gay
men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower
arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person
asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will
have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for
those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food, so we
suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics. The restaurant
cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F******g Employees
DATE: 8th November 2007
RE: The F******g Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks - I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so
quaintly put it, you'll get your f******g salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you
slice them. Oh yes, I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream
right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday. Drink, drive, and die!
The Bitch from HELL!!!
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 9th November 2007
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with
full pay.
