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Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/10/2008 07:52PM by G.

And so, you are from Europe - and you live in the US?

Just trying to piece things together, here.

Apparently, the laws are different? And the customs?

How long has this fellow been your father-in-law? And have you always disagreed so vehemently?

So G.... (which is what I call my husband/he calls me T)

I have two things for you.

First, the behavior you described above with your father in law is alot like what my oldest brother is like with hd. Just angry sometimes and impossible to calm. Feels dangerous. That is how hd manifested for him (among many, many other things). My other brother was absoulutely different. HD is never the same from person to person. Only sometimes similarities.

Second, in regards to your other thread regarding you wife. I am 33 and at risk. I do not want to test. As I have discussed here before, unless there is something testing can do for me, I will not be changing my mind. I have been feeling very threatened since my family has been implying that I should test. Especailly since I have been in a good place in my life that I truely value.

But I do (personally) think that what testing could do for your wife is tell her if it is safe to have another child. So testing can do something for her. But it needs to be completely her choice. You can tell her that you will not agree to have another child without her testing but you can't tell her to test- as the results will be hers. I know this sounds selfish but she is the one that has to look at herself in the mirror.

One last thing, in your other post you continuely say she is not showing signs YET. Why yet? Why is your glass half empty? She could use your support.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a rant. I truly hope all the joy and happiness that life can give to you and your family. This topic just hit a little close to home and I felt the need to express myself. I hope some of this helps...

Yes, it sounds just like my former husband with HD. Irritability, anger outbursts,'having my say,' 'you can't tell me what to do,' and misunderstandings that cannot be overcome once the anger starts.

Is your father in law on medication? The appropriate medication can help a lot.

I was told that don't argue back with Ray,this will make the situation worse.If you can just walk away. I have found with him,if I walk away in about an hour he will say he is sorry.He isn't mean yet,but in time I think he will become that way.
I think that we all have to look at what they are going through.I could not be as strong as some of the HD patients.Over heating is a big issue with Ray. Even when we go to the grocery store he has to go out and cool off half way through the store.

Sue

Well G, if you think about it, what's wrong with an open window? Really now, when you think about it after, doesnt it sound a little ridiculous? Good heavens, it doesnt make that much noise, and closed windows and just vents is absolutely suffocating to many people. Yes open windows make some noise, but certainly not that much noise. I think there is a lot of toning down you can do to help the situation, certainly the noise of an open window is a rather childish response dont you think? Just some thoughts for you to think about.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/18/2007 03:59PM by Barb.

Barb, You are so right the other day my husband and 8 yr old daughter argued over a PAPERCLIP... When he came to me for support, I am only gene positive... i swear ... i said' A PAPERCLIP>>> and i can't cook dinner over a PAPERCLIP, please get a grip!' So funny now. Sorry, i know retelling never carries as well as in an argument. I hope it is sorted out now. Life is too short.

I don't think there was anything wrong with G. asking for the windows to be put up. His father in law refused and G. didn't say anything more about it. FIL fussed about it for the next ten minutes and then wanted to deck G. when they arrived at their location. I'm quite sure that G. wouldn't have said a word if he'd known that it would set his FIL off but he didn't.

I am sure that countless cashiers, service representatives, waiters, etc. would have avoided setting my ex off had they had any idea what was going to happen, but they didn't. I kept everything off the counter, cooked meals, served him, and cleaned up before I was allowed to eat, and adjusted my life in a lot of ways to avoid outbursts. If you know what sets someone off, you can avoid it. It did however, mean that I was constantly walking on eggs and looking for signs that he was starting to get irritable. One or two adjustments, fine, they are little things, but where does it turn into having your life controlled by someone else - three, a dozen, two dozen?

Okay, speaking of paperclips, here's a story.

My ex wanted to keep out tax receipts together. They were in a file folder but getting too thick and some would fall out when the folder was moved. He brought them to me and asked for a paperclip. They were all different thicknesses from 8 by 11 inch paper to thin cashier receipts. So I got a pressure clip to hold them together more tightly. He began screaming at me, I asked you to paperclip these, not pressure clip them. You have to do what you are TOLD! He got angrier and angrier It went on for quite awhile and was very scary.

I sympathize, Marsha! My ex was a control freak - and he didn't even HAVE HD!

I've never "done anything anyone told me". Not my mom (she still loves me). Nor my ex (I made the decision to make him an "ex"!

My cat never questions me. She actually tends to be rather independent - but as long as I know how to feed her and rub her tummy just right, she rolls over and purrs all over me.

If only my ex-husband had the good sense to do that - we'd still be together!

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Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 02/10/2008 07:53PM by G.

My husband only gets upset at me. Sometimes he and our oldest butt heads but he does not get upset at her. Just me if I do not support him. If I argue or try to defend myself, he gets headaches. They get where he says he sees stars.

What is up with the temperature and HD? My husband can not stand being in the sun hardly at all. It wipes him out, and sets him in a bad mood.

Well, ok, at freeway speeds, window down all the way, ok, i can see your point...smile. Sometimes it's hard enough for people to get along, and with hd added to the picture, definitely a challenge i am sure.

Oh G, I do not think that it is only her problem, I did not mean to come off like that. It is definately a family issue. I really do have the most admiration for those who stand by all of us. It's huge. I just wanted to express how far "hope" from the man you love the most can go... I would be crushed if my husband said "yet" when referring to my at risk status. We all have half a chance that all will be okay. That's all. I did not mean to not include your feelings.

Good luck to you with your FIL, I personally would explain that you cannot take him anywhere as long as he stays volatile. Safety first.

Hi G,
Sounds like a very distressing incident! I only have little experience of my HD+ dad losing it occasionally, mainly because my step-mom made sure he took his anti-depressants, and because he self-medicated with a coupla beers at lunch and a few around dinner (and I live in UK while he lived in the US so we only saw him for visits). I think he was a handful on a day-to-day basis though.
But what you described sounds like textbook HD rage which can be a symptom in some people. I've heard of Alzheimers parents who are off the charts on unacceptable behaviour and there are lots of similarities in what happens in the brain with these neurodegenerative dementias.
You sound angry, and I can imagine I would be very alarmed to be attacked so aggressively. But I wonder if pressing charges is gonna be helpful because he is sick and its possible that this is a symptom of his disease, not something he can be taught a lesson about.
Your best bet may be to stay out of his way... I dont know if this is possible. But if your wife and her family can do her bit to make sure he takes or gets anti-depressants, that might help him. I doubt he likes feeling out of control himself, so he may not be resistant if he's not taking anything yet.
Please excuse my 2 pence worth, I dont know all the details of your situation so am not really in a position to advise, but my heart went out to you!
Fleur

My advice,

EVERY disagreement will be a battle, stand your ground and lose or disregard, change and survive...there is no WIN.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/19/2007 06:36AM by JFB.

So true, JFB!

sd66, many people with HD are light sensitive. Temperature regulation is also affected.

My former husband said that overhead lights bothered him a lot (we used lamps instead). It was an odd sensation for him. He said it 'felt' like they were making him too hot even though he knew they weren't raising the temp of the room at all.

JFB I don't think I have ever heard that piece of advice expressed so eloquently. Brilliant

G,

The arena of dealing with all these cognitive features of HD (or however one chooses to charcterize them) is configured between JFB's advice that "EVERY disagreement will be a battle, stand your ground and lose or disregard, change and survive...there is no WIN" and Marsha's question,"One or two adjustments, fine, they are little things, but where does it turn into having your life controlled by someone else - three, a dozen, two dozen?"

In the early 1700s Irish author Jonathan Swift wrote: ?It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into?. I suspect ol' Jon wasn't talking about folks with HD, but, given the cognitive challenges that HD brings, it's even more real.

There are obvious considerations of personal safety and protecting chlidren to weigh. Beyond those, Barb's on track too. Is it worth a peepee match over the racket from the open window? As annoying as it is.

One other would have been to let it bang away (or even open another window!). I'd take the risk/make the bet that eventually (because it's difficult for him to switch topics) it would drive him equally nuts (sensory overload) and he'd be demanding (short fuse) that you shut the windows. Being the wonderful SIL that you are, you could beg forgiveness and shut the window. It's easier to "play mind games" with somewhat predictable neurologic features than with more character/personality based things!

Lest you drive yourself bonkers, try to find any humorous solace in this old joke.
Q: Why do people bang their heads against walls?
A: It feels so good when you stop.

As for paper clips, "Aaaaarrrggghhhhhhhh!"

Hang in there!

Jimmy