My husband is phd, and alcoholic, I think we covered that in my last post. My situation is such that I do not live near my own family so I have come to depend a lot on his. They have been very supportive. They show their concern in so many ways. My phd is out of control, so his brother wrote a letter of concern, telling him he needed to smarten up and stop the drinking or lose his family. Well that just set my phd off. He sent a reply and cc'd ALL his family on it saying that he knew he treated me badly when he drank but that is because we quit loving each other and that it started when I no longer communicated. (he told me to keep my F@#ing mouth shut about his drinking...so I have...just quit talking. Because no matter what I say it could set him off.
But I digress here. Anyway, his siblings all replied to his emails in the same manner as the brother who sent the original. He came to me saying that they just didn't understand that they are treating him like he is already sick with symptoms...and he is...just in denial. I told him that they were just concerned and I agreed with them. He said that none of his family is no longer welcome in this house and we are not to have any communtication with them..and I said that was a little harsh for just showing concern...and he said he was only protecting me??????? And that I was just like them, that I didn't understand either and he was glad our marraige is almost over...(which it is we have agreed to seperate and divorce) I think he would throw me out if he could this morning...so my question is....Is it fair to the family to go to them for support? When I am gone my phd will need them? Even if he thinks he won't. Sigh....

Yes it is fair to go to them for help. And also ask them to help your Phd as much as they will let them. He's very luck his family is trying to still be in his life. If he does not accept help, I would call Adult protective services. I've not been so lucky with them, but you never know they may help of have suggestions to you. Good luck and get OUT! Also keep us updated, Love Pat

One of the worst things about HD is that it destroys Families as well as the Phd, add alcahol to the equation and the fact of Denial is a remedy for disaster. I agree with Pat, for your own safety, you need to make some changes, Is there a Chance you can Inlist the the aid of his family for a Sit Down with him and show him where he is treading and what this path he Chooses to take will lead Him? if he will not accept any help and a move such as this will be a Further Threat to you, then by all means, you must protect yourself.I am sure that others here will have good insights and information for you, I wish I could be of more help.

Wishing You The best on This Terrible Journey in Your life.

Ron C.

I am very sorry for your situation. You sound like a wonderful person who has given all a person can give and still tried to make it work because you cared.
One thing a counselor told me which I hadn't thought of but it is true "when a person who has HD is talking to you it is not the actual person speaking but the illness itself". I realize the alcohol only complicates things.
When your husband has said some of the mean, cruel things it is not actually him speaking anymore but rather the HD and/or the alcohol as well.
I agree with prior emails in that I would still use his family for support unless it puts you in more danger.
Unfortunately, it does sound like a situation in which you need to remove yourself as soon as possible for your own safety.
It sounds as his family realizes he has a major problem and hopefully will continue to try to reach him and support him.
I wish someone could get him to a doctor to put an end to his denial, help him with his alcoholism and possibly put him on a medication which would alleaviate his dangerous,aggressive behavior. It would make him a more pleasant person and more pleasant to be around. It would be for his own good but getting to that point will be extremely hard I know but there is still hope.
You take care of yourself - you are a good, wonderful person - life will go on and I wish you the best.
God Bless
Sharon

I have been through similar situations with my at risk husband and I find that he typically calms down about it within a day or two. And within a week, it's like it never happened.

YOU have a RIGHT to communicate and talk to WHOMEVER you want to talk to. Even (ESPECIALLY) his family since even if you do follow through with divorce, you have your children who are also their family.

Very very very sad for him.

There is something I have reminded myself and my Dad and sister ; That is Mom is sick . Her mind will never be normal again . So we are dealing with the here and now . If we need to keep things from Mom , we do ! What and how you would act in a situation with your husband if he didnot have HD , is different than now , that he is showing signs of hostility and irrational thoughts and behaviours . Ignore his outragious words if at all possiable . Like it has been said , it is the disease being manifested when he goes off the deep end . I do not share information with Mom that is going to upset her , or gets her thinking her crazy thoughts . If your husband was healthy , I would say you should not keep secrets from him , or go behind his back . This is different , he is sick , you need to be kind to yourself and to him . Sometimes that is going to mean , you are not going to share some information with him . It is a real learning curve , isn`t it ? All my best. db

I am so sorry too hear how difficult this has been for you. I know with my husband's family we have had mixed reviews. Some are very supportive and are dealing with that the fact my husband is PHd and they too could possibly be. Some are not. They have little or no contact with us. It hurts him a great deal and angers me greatly! I hope all gets better for you....Honestly, with or without support it will be difficult but I do think you both will need some. Hold on to those that care
Good Luck!
Sandy

Thank you everyone for your love and concern. He is angry because he thinks I turned his family against him. He thinks that none of this is his fault and it is mine because I don't like his drinking. He feels if he apologises the next morning it is okay to have temper tantrums and behave badly while he drinks. I am making plans to leave because without him meeting me half way and be willing to be evaluated and get on meds and quit drinking my children and I cannot stay. But it all takes time. I will keep his family informed but unless he calms down about me talking to them about it..and ...making him sound like he is sick...then I will not be able to use them as a support...too much to deal with. I am a couple months at the most from leaving and I just need to take it day by day until I get out.
Thanks again for everyones advice. I so much appreciate it.

It must be soooo hard Emmy, i'm so very sorry. I wish there was something i can say, but just keep yourself safe is most important (((hugs)))



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/15/2007 10:04PM by Barb.

Emmysane,

The ball is in your court. People put with a LOT LESS if you know what I mean.

If you have made every appeal that you can think of, and you have made the steps necessary to end the marriage, what else can you do?

It isn't if there are millions of options. You can't have a wagon come up and pick him up. You can't get a doctor to help. You have plead to the family, and you have made your case.

There isn't many other options other than to just sit and wait. Sooner or later the will need help. And you won't be able to give it to him if you are so destroyed by the current state of affairs with his behavior.

Fred, his family has been a great help to me in the end. I was afraid of alienating them from him but they get it. They (one brother in particular) has given me some good advice and I will take it to the lawyer with me. I know that they will also be there for him (as much as he will let them) when I have taken the children and gone.
Thank you for your advice. It is nice to be able to come here and just vent when feeling at wits end...not even sure if I have any wit left at times
Thanks again
Emmy

Best of luck and good wishes on your plans. I hope you find some peace of mind and lots of support. God Bless. LaDonna

Hi Emmy.
I just want to say that I feel for you in this awful situation.
I wish you stregnth for the time ahead.
Good luck with your plans.

(((hugs)))
Myrna