Well my phd and I are getting a divorce after 17 years. As a caregiver how do I get past the guilty feeling i have. For the last 10 years i guess i have been trying to prepare for this. This is a mutual decision, he is able to make decisions. But the guilt I am feeling right now is a little overwhelming.
sptx

Well, it's not necessarily a bad decision. Separation or divorce can sometimes be a relief for both the pHD and the caregiver - especially if the primary issue being faced is anger or violence. In my situation, after the divorce, I was able to help nearly all of the time without any fights or defensiveness. Prior to that any attempt to help here was met with "I can do it myself and I don't need you!"

After the divorce I would spend my weekends taking her grocery and clothes shopping - and she was appreciative. It was a totally different world. Of course, it brings its own issues, but they are manageable.

I hope it works out for you two as well as it did for us.

Steve I

It's not uncommon. I'm sure there are no stats. My wife's family had the gradfather - 3 Children - 3 grandchildren to have HD. A side from the grandmother, I was the ONLY one that didn't get a divorce from the pHD.

And we talked about that as a plan 'B'. We didn't need to do it here in TN. They have a spousal protection clause in the Medicade here so we could keep the house and car, and my assets were separated from hers.

So that way I could affect her care and direct it with POA.

But If I was in Indiana, it would have been almost a requirement to protect your assets. Right Eric?

No Fred, Indiana too has spousal protection. In New York and New Jersey you would need to divorce to protect assests.

Did they change that? I left in '99.

Sptx, all I can say is I am sorry but I too know someone who has a spouse with a disease similar. They divorced and she remains a friend and caregiver with spouse. So it might work out for the best.

You did your best Sptexas. You both agree. That doesn't mean you can't still help out. It doesn't even mean you have to live apart.

My friend and his wife divorced here. They split up for a year. They had two kids. They worked it out and got back together. But, they didn't get married again....

He covers the kids on his insurance per the divorce agreement. She has her own. Everybody still think they are married

Like spock said to McCoy : "A difference that makes no difference IS NO differnce".

You have no reason to feel guilty at all, your kids are very important at this stage of the game, and things werent working out well for your children. People can be divorced, but still care for each other, and if you are able to still care for you husband in some way, your children will be able to see that and admire you for it too.