My husband of 18 years is HD+, and has been for about 10 years. The last 3 years or so, things are progressing quickly. He is home now and on SS. We have preteen boys at home. Over the last year or so his choice of internet sites to visit (shall I say adult sites), is a real issue for me, and always has been. I have never made it a secret about how I feel about that. Well it's gotten alot worse. Every night he's on the internet. I feel it's inapproiate and discusting personally. My issue is what he's doing is not only illegal, but if my boys were to find out what then? I have thought about turning him in myself, but what would happen then? I know he's sick, but everybody has a limit and mine has been reached. I have tried talking to him, but as you know someone with HD you can't reason with them. His reasoning skills are no longer. I feel like i'm between a rock and a hard place. Our marriage has been just for show for a while now. We are only married on paper, and just live together with out kids. I work full time, and am raising our kids, and taking care of him. I'm really at my wits end. I don't know what to do about this issue. He keeps telling me it's not his issue it's mine. And that may be so, but its not right. Has anyone else been experiencing anything like this? I just looking for some advise. I still have kids to raise, and my husband is making it impossible for me to keep my promise and take care of him. Thanks for listening.
SPTEXAS

Unless he is visiting child pornography sites, it is not illegal to look at X-rated material on the Internet. If he is looking at child pornography it is illegal and there's the danger that he may act on his impulses. In that case, you have a very serious problem.

Assuming he is viewing adult X-rated material sites, there is the issue of finances. Many of these sites ask for credit cards and charge for membership. Some are dishonest and overcharge. So that's another concern. You need to take financial steps to make sure that he doesn't spend the family resources on these sites.

Okay, assuming he is viewing free adult pornography on the internet, you will need to decide what is your bottom line and enforce it. Yes, his reasoning skills aren't good but you can still set boundaries with consequences for violating them and let him make the choice. You can decide that he has to stop altogether or perhaps you might want to compromise and agree to late night viewing of free sites when the children are asleep with child safe software turned back on before he logs off. It all depends on your values and his values before he got sick.

Sexual problems are very, very common in Huntington's Disease. The disease itself or medications can interfere with normal sexual performance. As a result, it is not uncommon for some men with the disease to focus on novelty, pornography, new sexual practices, etc. with the idea that they will help restore functioning.

What would happen if you either disabled the computer or put a block on adult sites? I agree with you, this is at the VERY least distasteful, and I DO worry about your boys seeing this and assuming if Dad does it then it is okay. It gives a VERY unrealistic view of loving sexual relationship to kids who have never experienced this. Good luck. Love, Pat

There is all sorts of sexual dysfunctions that can be exhibited because of HD. Excessively visiting adult sites doesn't surprise me a bit. Short of shutting of the internet I am not sure what you can do. I agree that your kids should not be exposed to the behavior. Sometimes you just have to be firm on what you will tolerate and what you won't if the persons wants to stay in the home. Children can be damaged by sexual misbehavior even if it is not directed at them. As reasoning becomes lesser as well as impulse control, the chance of the behavior being exhibited in front of the kids increases. Putting your foot down is probably what I try first. I will say if he isn't bothering anyone and keeps it discreet, and you just don't like it for what it is, you may just want to let it slide.

Luckly he has no access to our money or credit cards, so i guess I can be thankful for that. Hypothetically speaking, what if he's looking at both kinds of web sites? What would you do? Like I said before I have thought about turning him in myself, what would that do to my boys? What will it do if I don't? We have definately grown apart over the last few years, and had several other issues come up. I am a Mom first and foremost. Everything else is secondary. I'm just lost, I know he needs me to take care of him, but he's not even meeting me half way. I don't know how long I can hang in there...... I have very high morals and he did too at one time. But the HD is consuming his mind. Any advice and comments are appreciated. I just don't know what to do????
Thanks,

All the responses You have recieved are good strong advice from very knowledgable(sp) people.I have only One thing to add, TALK First, Keep talking as long as you are seeing some measure of understanding on his part, Sound to me like he is displaying very compulsive behavior, it can take many forms.I can only say , DO NOT turn him in to the police, you will Literally Ruin your family social acceptance in your Community, it will come down on your whole Family, and it will make pariah's of you all in the eyes of your community.Think long and hard on this Please For all your sakes.

IMHO
Ron C.

I agree... police is the wrong tact... this might be a passing phase... a conviction might last longer than his impulse right now. Also have you been open with his doctor about this? A med change might help as well. Depending on your community, the kids having a dad labeled as deviant of one sort or another might not be that great. Having the police and courts settle a medical problem would certainly be a last resort, not a first one.

See this is why I decided to post my situation. I don't always think clearly when i'm an emotional mess. Ya'll have given me a few more things to think about. Thank u for that. I have a long way to go to get this resolved. But you all have given me some things to think about and try. The last thing I want to do is turn him is. He has been my husband/bestfriend for almost 20 years...... i guess these decisions won't get easier as he get sicker. I will let ya'll know how things go. Thanks

I agree about not contacting the police, but talking to the doctors first.

Porn is an issue for many of my friends and several have gone through similar situations with their non-HD husbands, if it's any consolation. Of course, in those situations, talking and ultimatums work.

I'm a mom first, too, so I understand what you are feeling in that respect. If it is an issue for you because of the boys, I would definitely put my foot down. If talking didn't work, given your situation, I might block the sites on the computer. I think some internet providers allow for that...maybe aol is one of them. If child porn is also involved, that would be non-negotiable for me. No way, no how, or remove the computers from the home if it can't be controlled any other way, minus a laptop that I would keep with me.

I have been thinking alot about what I could and couldn't take...ie what is my breaking point. I definitely know that my son's well-being will have to come first.

Good luck. I'm sorry....

I just have to add ONE thing.. if it is NOT child porn, then it is NOT illegal and there is no need to call the police.

HOWEVER IF IT ISSSSSSSss child porn. I would talk to the Dr ASAP... tell his service it's an emergency and you MUST speak to him. If it IS child porn.. your children and their friends and neigbors are in danger. Even if he cannot perform physically, they are still in danger.. You have not stated if it IS child porn, so if it is NOT I appologize. If it is adult porn it's not illegal UNLESS it is a snuff film. Take care, Pat

Thanks to everyone for your posts. This forum inspires me everyday when i read the posts. Ya'll are a wonderful group of people. If i sounded harsh in some of my post i really did'nt mean too. I am a mother, wife and now caregiver with another broken heart, and i'm just trying to make a good life for my kids, and keep my promise to take care of him.

You didn't sound harsh...just thinking out loud and asking for input. Thats what we all do.

IF child porn. There should be NO TOLERANCE! Call the police!

sptexas, it's nice to meet you, wow, you've gotten some really good responses here, and lots of good advice. I just wanted you to know that wow, people care, its good that you shared, its good to be able to just talk sometimes, and yes your right, your kids are very very important in this.





Edited 6 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2007 02:00AM by Barb.