Well It's Tues. Feb. 2nd. and he has been on a rant since Sunday afternoon....all the other times I have kind-of been able to tell when he was gonna go off until Sunday...everything had seemed to be going fine and about 5:30 he just snapped....I don't even know what about...he just started fussing about the internet and he was gonna cut it off and take it away from all of us and was gonna cut all the cords, and we'd never use it again...it was sooo random. I was like "Donnie calm down. what is wrong with you?" and he said "I'm tired of everyone around here lying to me. I'm getting rid of the internet. It was so crazy...he said the boys wouldn't mind him and called them garbage which is totally not true...the boys are so good and understanding to him. they feel sorry for him and they do everything he says and don't talk back to him. They really handle him better than I do. Well I have slept on the couch for the past 2 nights which is about to kill this old woman. lol. he was still the same yesterday. I called his Dr. again and he suggested he see a phychologist. He also suggested I see one too cause all I have done for the past 2 days is cry and be depressed. I went to the funeral home yesterday of a man who had died of cancer and you could see in the pictures and the way she talked of him that they loved each other right up till the end....that's not gonna happen with me and donnie cause he is destroying our love. I'm afraid I won't even love him when he dies....it is so unfair....HD is so unfair.....unlike when you are diagnosed with anyother disease, it doesnt effect your personality or who you are....It is so frustrating.
Liz

Wednesday 2/5/14...well I came home from work yesterday and Donnie was in the kitchen unloading the dishwasher and trying to help me put up groceries...he was very calm and talking. I cooked supper and he kept telling me how good everything looked and how delicious everything tasted and told me what a good supper we had tonight....I cook a big supper everynight...he was trying to hug and kiss me goodnight and said I'll see you when you come to bed. this morning he was still in this mood, telling me how beautiful I looked today....his OLD self....the person that I love but it is so hard to switch my emotions from what has happened the past two days. This life is such a roller coaster ride.
Liz

Roller Coaster is a good description. Lots of ups and downs for certain. Happy you have had a couple of days of a break from the anger and rants. So hard to know when the other shoe is gonna drop. My personal opinion is that Donnie needs to see a PSYCHIATRIST who can easily manage his meds. We have really gotten relief from a change in meds and I am so very thankful to have found a good mix among his MD, pshyc and neurologist. So important to get people who actually listen and are willing to help. We have plugged into a good support group and that has been helpful to see what others are going through, but it couldn't hurt for you to see a counselor separate from Donnie, although I can not imagine when on earth you would have time for yourself with what you have going on in your life... Seems really hard to grieve what we've lost when the person is still here. No one outside the loop can understand that-They just think we should be thankful the person is still alive, and I really am, but the entire dynamic of our marriage has changed and we need time to grieve in some way for the loss of what we had and come to some acceptance of what it now is. Sorry for the rough wee, hope it continues to level out, my friend.

Vicky

thank you Vicky. you are always so helpful and understanding...with fingers crossed and knocking on wood, lol, Donnie is still doing good. it's been almost 2 weeks and he hasent had a spell. he has come close, but he has been able to control it...he even ask me the other day " aren't you happy with the way I've been acting?" I said "yes I sure am" In times like these it is so easy to love him and sympathize with what he is going thru. but I am always just waiting on things to go crazy again because it happens without warning as I'm sure you know. I know I've talked to you about my son dalynn. He's 21 and in the beginning was so mad and in denial about his dad...he still is to an extent. he says I baby his dad too much and I try to keep him from doing the things he loves doing, but that's not true...I just try to protect him from things that are dangerous...example...dalynn got so mad at me cause I told Donnie he couldn't get on the roof and fix some shingles that had blown off...Donnie was a carpenter for 15 yrs....I said Dalynn your dad's balance is so bad he will fall off and kill himself or worse cripple himself bad. he was mad at me for saying this...he still thinks his dad can do anything...but anyway, Dalynn (thru my bro-in-law) mad himself an appt. to be tested for HD...he said he wasent gonna tell anyone the results and forbid me to tell anyone that he got tested....well, he went Friday to N'ville to his appt. and the dr wouldn't do the test until he had some counseling of what he could face if he was positive...he was so mad that they wouldn't test him....I don't know if he has HD or not. I pray he doesn't, but he has and has always had a very serious anger problem.
How is your situation going?
Liz

We are doing so much better. I think a change from the sertriline (SP)) to the Lexipro made a huge change. I think the other was making him manic. He was up all night ranting and raving about whatever and telling everyone to pack sand on Facebook, offended by everything anyone said. Now he is more like he used to be. He sees a psychiatrist for meds. He is sleepy a lot and takes big fat naps from the Xenazine, so still trying to switch his days and nights, but his OCD is better and he's not so mad at me all the time. So I am very happy about all that. Even if it does happen again, I think I can handle it all better. At some point it was everything I said; every day. He would just go off on me and tell me all about what was wrong with me, but now we've had an awesome stretch of calm and normal. So if that only happens every now and again, I can not take it so personal. I know we were both in panic mode after the diagnosis, but now I think we are both just trying to get involved as much as possible with the HDSA and fund raising and research which gives him something to do. He went from working Navy reserve, his engineering job and was on several boards TO total disability headed into retirement in a very short time and I know that was extremely hard for him. Then his days were filled with Drs. therapists, frustrations, paperwork, insurance issues, legal issues... So we were both in a tizzy!!!! It's all slowing down, which helps too. So thank you for asking and I am hoping things have turned around for both of us!!G;ad they are requiring the counselling for Daylynn prior to testing-him getting "mad" about that shows he really needs to understand all the ins and outs of finding this out. He may or may not go back to get tested, but I hope he can get his anger behind him first, that will come out at you too, as we all know!
Hang in there-prayers are being lifted for you!

Vicky

Well here we go again....after almost 3 wks, Donnie is on his HD episodes again....I could tell it was kindof starting Saturday night, then Sunday was a little worse, then Sunday night much worse, it really started when Dalton, my 16 yr old wanted to sign up on Netflix so we did..he has started working at Mcdonalds and he wanted to pay for it...well Donnie started in ranting and raving and would not stop about how he would be watching things he shouldn't and doing things he shouldn't and he didn't need that and on, and on, and on...well I finally told Dalton to go to bed. On Monday morning something was said about me having to go the dr. and I said that I was also taking Dalton to his orthidonist appt. and he just went off and got mad and said I shouldn't be taking him that his DCS worker could take him...our appts. were in the same county!!!! what sense would that make? He is SO jealous of any time that I spend with Christian (my 11yr old) and Dalton. well he started in making crazy noises like he makes when he's gone off and he CONSTANTLY walks the floors. it drives me nuts. when he's like this, he follows me everywhere in the house like he's gonna catch me doing something...it is such a paranoid behavior. I have told DCS that I want to adopt the boys by myself cause Donnie is in no mental state to adopt, but I can't take the chance of loosing either of them....they have been putting me under a lot of pressure to make a decision about Christian...I know I am taking on a lot, but I have had those boys almost 2 yrs and they are mine, and I can't take the chance of waiting on Donnie to get worse and then DCS will take them away from me. Among everything else that he points out that I'm doing wrong, of course I am cheating on him again now. UUUUGGGGHHHH this is soo frustrating!!! I haven't make that appt. for him with the phyc. dr yet but I think I'll call tomorrow.

Well.....Wednesday morning Donnie woke up in a completely different mood...He was good..He told me he was sorry for the way he had been acting the last few days. That's a good thing, but it is so hard for me to switch MY emotions and feelings that quick. He has also been better to the boys. I know that it's only tempory but I guess that is part of this roller coaster. I hope we have a good weekend. I don't know if I have mentioned her or not, but I have another foster daughter who is 2 yrs old. we had her in our home last year for about 2 months and then she went to another home in a joining county to a great couple who wanted to adopt her. that family has let us continue to be a part of her life by including us in birthday parties, and letting her come and spend the weekend with us every-other-weekend....Donnie loves that little girl sooo much and even my boys say that he is in a better mood when she is here. well, the L'burg DCS found out about Donnie's episode at his grandma's with the gun and was gonna stop all visits with her....I was devastated. not only did I have to deal with Donnie's mood all weekend I had to deal with this news...I called everyone in the system I could think of and with much begging and reassuring them that she was not in any danger, convinced them to continue to let her come over for day visits. she can't spend the night anymore...this life is sooo hard. I feel like I'm punished everyday for Donnie being sick. I know he cant help it but I feel like all I do is damage control and pick up the pieces after him.
Hopeing for a good weekend.
Liz

well March 2nd. my birthday. everything started off good...Donnie was in a good mood all day. About 7:30 I ask him if he wanted to play cards...he said yes so I got Dalton and Christian to stop playing their games and come upstairs and play cards with us...Donnie seemed fine. we were all fixing us something to eat and drink and Dalton fixed him a cup of coffee. well out of nowhere, donnie just went off on him. he started telling him how he didn't need that and it was too late and he was too young to drink coffee anyway...Donnie has seen him drink it tons of times. he's almost 17 yrs. old. he's not too young. Dalton just said ok and put it in the refrigerator and said I'll drink it tomorrow morning. Donnie just kept on and on ragging him and finally I had enough and I said Donnie are you seriously gonna ruin the whole night over a cup of coffee and he said yes. it's all dalton's fault. i said he didn't do anything....well he just kept on and on so I sent the boys back down stairs...I said why do you do that...he said cause I can't stand him...I said why? he said I don't know...I know he is so jealous of dalton and christian and he has no reason to be....today is Thursday and Dalton told me that Donnie came into his room last night and told him good night and he loved him....I just want to scream!!!!! I never know what to expect

Thank you lauraandpete.
I havent wrote in a while but it's not because things have been quiet or normal....I just feel like people get tired of reading my post because they are disturbing and awful...I don't seem like I ever have any good news....and I also am afraid that people think I am an awful person...I'm just trying to survive this awful place I am in right now.
as you have read before, most of Donnie's episodes usually explode after an issue with Dalton. he's my 16 yr old foster son..and he is such a good boy but Donnie is soooo jealous of him and Christian (my 12 yr old foster son). well last Friday night Donnie and I went to tell Dalton goodnight. and his door was locked. which it usually is, it doesnt mean anything, its just a habbit he has and Donnie just lost it. he was trying to break the door down. when we got in there he started yelling at dalton that he shouldnt lock the door, that wasent his room anyway, and he'd take the door off the hinges to keep him from doing it again. Dalton said he was sorry, it was just a habbit. Donnie kept yelling at him over and over. I told Donnie to calm down and he just kept on and on like a crazy person.....well, he and I went upstairs and I was so mad at him for overreacting over such a small thing...well then the argument escullated into other things with him telling me he knew I was cheating on him and that I always took Dalton's side with everything cause he was my little baby and he knew why I slept on the couch cause it was easier for me to sneak out or sneak downstairs.....the more he talked the madder we both got. he kind of shuved me and I shuved him back then he pushed me into the recliner and jumped on top of me and put his hands around my throat... not hard but just enough to try to scare me...well I'm not scared of him and I kicked him off of me and he lost his balancee and fell in the floor.... I have never hated someone so much in my life. after that he went to bed and I went to the couch where I slept for the next 3 days. I stayed gone all day Sat. so I didn't have to deal with him. everytime he looked at me he just had a hate and discusted look on his face...on Sat. night I was gonna get in the shower because I had not bathed since Friday morning before work and he said " well who are you taking a shower for? you never take one at night" then on Sun. morning before church I was gonna take a bath and get ready and he smarted off " why are you taking a shower you just took one last nigh? such stupid stuff!!!! I cried my eyes out all weekend and came soooo close to leaving him. He complained about his hand all weekend that he thought he had broke it and I told him I didn't care...and I didn't. I honastly do hate the person he is now and I have never hated anyone in my life.....what do I do? what can I do? I'm sorry for sharing all this negative stuff about our situation but this is the only place that I can.
Since Monday afternoon he has been better...like nothing ever happened..but it did .

Please just go right on posting if it helps. We all need an outlet. I don't think anyone is tired of reading your posts and I know that many people are praying for you.

What is happening with your husband is that as the brain damage got progressively worse, he began regressing to childhood in his thoughts and emotions. That is why he is jealous of the children, he feels that they compete for your time. If he were himself, this wouldn't be an issue, he would have his own interests and not be so focused on you. Sometimes neuroleptics can help with the cognitive issues and antidepressants with the irritability. What medication is he taking now?

Yes, continue to post if you it helps. For myself, I read a lot and pray. But most times I can't reply because it so all familiar and I don't have any words

Hey Liz, no one gets tired of reading your posts, and if they are they just don't open the link. I read the last posts a few days ago, but just really needed to think before I responded. My heart just breaks for you.

My mind tells me "I know exactly how I would handle this scenario" I would get the hell out of there. I'd take those boys and go and never look back. My heart says something totally different. I have NO IDEA what I would do, I can not imagine my husband getting violent. Can't imagine either of us getting physical, can't imagine being accused of cheating, can't imagine trying to protect those boys from his anger. can't imagine hating my husband. Can't imagine trying to make a happy home for my foster children, when one of the main characters is always undermining the happy vibes. Can not imagine not wanting to be in my home.

I am once again at a loss for giving you any helpful advice. I feel very bad for you, I feel very bad for those boys. I feel certain they feel a need to protect you as much as you feel that need for them. That is certainly not fair for any of you to live with that kind of fear.

At a minimum Donnie needs medications from a psychiatrist. At a minimum, you need a break from trying to make this whole thing work as it should. At a minimum those boys need more stability and nurturing from the people who are raising them.
I wish I knew how to help you with all of those things.

I am praying for you. I understand you more than you know! If you lived closer, I feel like we would be really good friends. Please keep posting and getting it out in the safest place on earth. This forum is exactly the right place for you to do that. No one is judging you or him for that matter. You are coping with what's in front of you the best you know how.
How is your oldest son? Does he have a real feel for what's going on? Is he able to communicate with his dad at all?
Have you shared ANY of this with your church family?

Vicky

Vicky, I am crying as I read your response...you seem to always know excactly how to put into words how I feel...It is soooo hard....at the worse times that we have and when I hate him the most....I could leave and never look back and I want to more than anything....but my faith and my vows make me stay. (thus far)...and then when he calms down and is "normal" again and gives me 2 hr. foot massages while we are watching a movie or helps me with the house work, then I feel soooo bad for him. This week at the supper table, we were having soft shelled taco's and he struggled so much just trying to pick up the taco. It took him several minutes just to do that simple thing. and when he eats he makes the biggest messes with his food and is constantly dropping his food or spilling stuff on himself. or when I watch him try to write, its almost impossible, even his name. watching him take money out of his wallet or put it back it's like he doesnt have the cordination to do the simplest things. It seems to be getting worse every day...he just left the bank where I work and he seemed like he was in a total nother world....and I wonder how he makes it thru a day at work. he just had the blankest look on his face and it is times like these when I just want to hold him and cry and grieve for the man who is dying....
Yes if you lived closer we would be the best of friends and I appreciate more than you know just the clarity and understanding that you have toward me.
you ask about my oldest son, Dalynn, he is still in so much denial about Donnie. He doesnt stay around enough to really see how he struggles. Dalynn was tested for HD about a month ago and should be getting his results soon..I had tried to talk him out of this but he wanted to do it. he is 21 and he said he wasent gonna tell me the results but I feel like he will. I will probably just know. I don't talk to my church family, and there is a few co-workers that I confide in but they do not nor could not have a clue what I am talking about.
Marsha, thank you for responding to my post...Donnie is currently on Siriquil and Zolaft.....plus 3 different sleeping pills that do not work and I have told the dr this and he just adds to them but never takes any away..
JFB....please remember me when you pray.
Thank you all for helping me.
Liz

Liz, I hear you loud and clear! You make perfect sense and I can relate to what you say. Many times the carers who experience this type of behaviour feel confused and overwhelmed and appear, themselves, to be unwell. This is happening to me as I an not coping well with my lot. My wife is, as of now, still not diagnosed. She doesn't engage with medics and appears 'well' in front of the 'right' people. However, I witnessed a different person in the house and bore the brunt of some awful bouts of paranoia and accusations as well as other episodes of mad behaviour. My kids also witnessed it and they, too, are living in some kind of twilight zone but for the moment - they remain with her and I get to see them 2 or 3 times a week. Her movement issues are subtle and she can pass them off as stress, anxiety, and fidgety behaviour. She is now beginning to use the children to punish me and stops access at times. Social workers don't see what I am talking about and she has completely ruined my good name as a father to my kids. I wish people would cop themselves on and start to 'listen' to my concerns. It is a tough place to be. You must remember that you are definitely NOT alone and that there are countless others out there who are dealing with crazy-making behaviours and feel isolated, lonely, deserted and desperately sad. I know I do. I just wish that one day the answers would reveal themselves. Keep strong, be brave and continue fighting the fight.

thank you Nalo...my heart breaks for you because of how you and your children are being effected by this.
Well I haven't posted since March and believe it or not Donnie is still doing good with his mood. I think this is the longest we've went without him having an episode. His balance, cordination and other areas of his life seem like there effected worse but even tho it is so sad to watch him struggle I can deal with that better than him being mean to us.
Well I also got some great news (if he's not lying to me) my son Dalynn got tested last month and got his results on Wednesday and he was HD negative!!!! praise the Lord.
I am sooo thankful!! considering he told me also last month that his girlfriend is going to have a baby so I will be getting my first grandbaby in Oct.
Lol....never a dull moment in our house.
Liz

Praise God! I am so thankful for your awesome news! What a year this will be!!!!! You deserve all the good things coming your way!

Vicky

well we made it from March 28- to May 4, then everything went south yesterday. It started at church. I have mentioned in previous post how he does not like our song service. our song leader sings praise and worship and plays a keyboard. Donnie thinks a church should sing out of the book. he has threatened so many times to quit and go somewhere else but he would never do it by himself and I won't quit and go with him....well we were standing there and he was making faces and twiching and rolling his eyes and talking out saying this is not gospel music....finally we got to set down and when we got in the car he started in again about it....well, I've fought so much about it that I just tried to ignore him. we went out to eat at a restaurant in our town with his mom for mothers day....he still seemed really jerky. then Dalynn smarted off to my 12 yr old and then my 16 yr old ( they are my foster boys) took up for my 12 yr old then Donnie jumped all over my 16 yr old and 12 yr old and just kept on and on saying horrible things to them like..." when we get home, I'm packing your stuff and your gonna leave my house" and " I will come over this table and knock that look off your face. " and " wait till we get home, neither of you will ever ride the four wheeler or play your video game again" I tried to calm him, as did his mom but he would not listen. he made the biggest scene in front of people. I was sooo mad at him. He just kept ranting and raving about everything!!! well we finally left and I took him home and me and the boys left and stayed gone till last night. when we came in, he didn't speak and he didn't speak this morning either. I was so glad his mom got to see that side of him. she has really avoided him sincee he was diagnosed. her husband/ donnie's dad had HD and also was a very bad acholic but she had already left him before he was diagnosed with HD so she didn't have to deal with him. she called me this morning and said she had no idea that he was that bad and she was afraid he was gonna hurt us and she had never saw such a wild, rage look in anyone's eyes. I am not planning on going home after work till late tonight. I told her she could go talk to him but anyone that has ever dealt with this knows he'll be one of two ways.....sorry or still mad and she wont be able to reach him. we go to the dr. tomorrow.

Prayers are with you as always. This is once again so hard. What would happen if you go to church without him? We had our education day this weekend and then support group tonight. I got in trouble for talking to a new family at support group and not paying attention to dave. So he just went to the car and stood there fuming. So i asked him what he was mad about and he told me I don't give a shit about him. I just gave him a big kiss and said goodnight when we got home. He told me to start paying attention to him. I said ok and came to bed. Im just too tired to argue and it doesnt really make any difference anyway. So i am going to bed. He's tired , I'm tired...not happening as often and I am grateful for meds. (his and mine) tomorrow I will pay special attention to him and all will be ok...

Vicky you are a much better person than me....when Donnie treats me that way, my instint is to be a just as mean to him as he is to me.
We have had a HORRIBLE week!!!! Donnie has been an absolute monster!!! it all started over my 16 yr old, Dalton, wanting to grill out for us...he has been doing that in his Ag class at school...Donnie got so mad and said "if he's cooking, I'm not eating" I said why? he said " cause he cant cook and I wouldnt ever eat anything he tried to cook anyway." he kept on and on putting him down. he did all of this right in front of Dalton. well, Dalton can handle donnie better than me and he just sit there....not me I got so mad at him that he could talk to someone like that. that he could be so mean to our/my foster son. I ended up cooking and me and the boys ate while he was outside mowing.....he was saying how bad he hates them and if it were just me and him, we wouldnt have any problems, and so many other things that are too horrible to mention.. we have not spoke a word all week and I have slept in another room at night. His mom came up tues. night and she said she didn't know what I was gonna do with him...you cannot reason with him when hes like this. I feel so trapped and I feel like there is no hope in sight. We went to the dr. last tues and they changed his med. from Zolaft to Lexipro and also, he was in an accident where the tractor he was driving at work was t-boned by a truck trying to pass him. he did not have a scratch on him, but I'm wondering if the jar and trauma from that is why he has been this way this week. I have played phone tag with the dr for the past two days so I haven't got to tell him any of this. I just want this NIGHTMARE TO END!!!! I want my normal life back and my normal husband back....two things that I know in my heart will never be and I am soooo sad and lonely over this.
Liz
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