Hi Lynn thanks for showing me to this site. It looks like a place where I am going to find people that 'really understand me" and I hope one day I can help someone in return.
I just feel like nobody understands me nor tries to. I don't want any pity, just some love and support from somebody other than my husband and kids would be nice. I have a best friend that has been the only person to honestly want to help me through the tough times, and wouldn't you know my luck, she has just been diagnosed with having a late onset of muscular dystrophy recently.
Now I am finding I am trying to help her in return, but I am angry because I have lost the support I needed in her, that makes me feel guilty, and angry that I again lost out in the game of odds.
I tested to hd in 97 three months before my father passed away, and I lost my mother the previous year, so things have been difficult in the greiving department too.
I suffered severe depression and after seeing a councellor for some year or so, things didn't seem to get any better, so she suggested it might be the hd causing it and if it was I would need more professional help.
So after all the councelling before testing we still didn't jump into it straight away. When I felt I could cope with it, I then went ahead. I knew all along the results would be positive....guess what?...they sure were.
I since have headed down the path to nowhere, with nobody. My husband is terrific though, but he just doesn't seem to understand how I really feel, why I get angry and can't seem to control the anger and I wish I could show him just a little of what it feels like for me.....I do feel possessed by the devil, I try to walk away, but I don't anymore, I used to but I find I just want to keep hitting and throwing things.
I took off to the bedroom and began to scratch my body until I drew blood last time, then I went off in the car to my warehouse and slept there for the night until all hell had passed over. Now I have three confused kids to try to explain why their mother is ' weird' They are avoiding bring friends over here anymore, and I can't blame them because that's what I did with my father when I was growing up. I never knew from one day to the next what he would do or say to any of my friends.
As for Christmas, well this goes on every year. I sit at home with my kids and we spend it alone, knowing that family and friends are all joining in together having a great time.
I feel for my husband and kids, they are missing out because of me. My sister invited me over last year to her place, but when I rang back after talking it over with my family she had a change of heart and told me we couldn't come now as her husbands family were invited over instead and she couldn't have us all there together.
What made it worse, was that just before that I rang her one day and told her I was angry with her and the rest of the family for keeping their distance from us, and her answer to that was that I push everyone away. She doesn't know if she has the gene or not, and won't be tested for a long time away if ever.
Our older brother has the gene like me, he is 48 and we keep in touch from time to time since we live over 9 hours drive away from each other.
Well enough of my chattering going on and on here, will be writing a novel next....lol
Thanks to everyone who has posted here, really helps know u all care....god bless