Clearly not doing it very well, despite my best intentions. So very stressed with the recent HD discovery (long family history on my husband's side, but everyone hid their heads in the sand/kept it a secret, so that I was blindsided). And, of course, there is the stress of having a new baby (at-risk) to take care of (and fret about)!

Anyway, I can force myself to go about three (sometimes four) days without discussing HD with the hubby. Usually, after that, he senses that something is eating at me, and he asks me to open up. I tell him that I'm hesitant to, because he usually gets mad when I bring up HD, because I don't want to stress him out, and because I'm worried about repeating myself, which irritates him. (I DO repeat the same worries; it helps me to vent, yet it upsets him tremendously.) His attitude (probably appropriate) is that "There's nothing we can do now, so why worry?" While there is little we can do, there are some things: I have been encouraging him to exercise, to take fish oil capsules, and to take CoQ 10. This irritates him a bit (especially the exercise part), but he's been complying (appeasing me) at least with the pills. I take the pills too (with my son's pediatrician's blessing) so that my son will get them through my breast milk.

I had a rough day of worrying today, and was very much hoping for a bit of relief by going to band practice in the evening (I play the fiddle in a bluegrass band). Unfortunately, we had some "creative differences" in the band this evening, and practice did not turn out to be the escape I'd hoped for. I came home stressed, and the hubby could sense it. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him the truth: rough day worrying about HD, hoped for a release at band practice, didn't get it, still stressed. He invited me to talk. I told him that it would probably be more of the same (except, of course, for the band issues). He said, "Talk about it." I did. He got angry. (It was, I must concede, more of the same.)

After an angry tirade, he has left, but not before calling me a stupid F-ing B%&*$#, telling me that he wants a divorce because I can't handle the HD, and telling me that he wants nothing to do with our son anymore (and adding, "Good luck, poor kid, you're stuck with your awful mother from now on. It'd be better to die from HD. Or maybe I should just kill us both!" He went to his parents' apartment, I am certain.

I don't think there is much excuse for my husband's behavior. At the same time, I KNOW that I stress him out, while he, too, is going through a very difficult time. I NEED to stop being a source of stress, and start being more supportive. I (I think!) want our marriage to work out. Yet, I am terrified about what the future might hold, and I know that I am not being the most supportive, understanding spouse. I'm hurting so much, myself. Sometimes, I must admit, I feel that, "Well, if he wants a divorce, maybe it's for the best. Do it now rather than later, and co-parent." But, what sort of monster leaves her spouse just after it's discovered that he's at-risk for HD??!!!!

I also find myself worrying that some of his irritability is attributable to HD. He is undiagnosed and has not tested to see whether he is gene positive. He is, for the most part, an affable, loving guy. He has, however, had his moments. He does become VERY angry, when he does get angry. He was arrested 3 years ago for domestic assault against me. He attended anger management, and it seemed that things became much, much better. In fact, I was SO proud of both of us for sticking with the marriage, turning things around, getting on the right track, finally having things be "good." Then, we had a baby (unplanned, but SO welcome!) Then, not even two weeks after our new son was born, the HD blow came. :-(

What do I do? He said horrible things to me this evening. I feel I deserve an apology. Yet, I feel for him SO much. The poor guy is dealing with potentially losing his mother, brother and son to HD. And suffering and dying from it himself. His wife (me) is often a basketcase regarding the risk to him and our son.

Do I call him tomorrow and tell him simply that I love him? Do I just wait? Should I sent him an e-mail, telling him that I feel for him?

And, are occasional, HORRIBLE outbursts of anger, in a normally kind, gentle guy, an early sign of HD? (He really, really is normally a teddy bear . . .)

Argh.

After a very rough patch, things were going along swimmingly in our marriage. And now this. Now, we're facing the biggest stress of our lives, and it seems to be tearing us apart.

I don't know what to do. About anything.

Bluegrass,

If he is normally a "teddy bear" why did he have to take anger management for an incident around 3 years ago?

And it's obvious he's more accepting of the HD than you are. Apparently it's eating at you, and he doesn't want to discuss it. On top that, you are attributing all of this anger to HD, and I'm sure that really upsets you.

This is a big problem. I know, I had the same issue. I can relate. So let me try and share my humble opinion, for what it's worth.

Now, you have to really put yourself in his shoes. Really put yourself out there. This isn't a test for cancer or diabetes. This is a test for an incurable disease that has irreversible consequences pending a positive result. If he takes it and he's positive, from that moment forward it becomes his identity. Everything he does and everything he plans will have HD attached to it somehow.

If he doesn't take the test, he has some slim hope of being "normal". Think of it as someone going to a fortune teller to find out what day and hour you will die. What would you do if the answer was "JUNE 12, 2023 at 2:13 am"? What would that make you do? Would it make you buy a headstone with that date on it to be "proactive"? Or would it fill you with shear terror? Everything you would do from that point would be in accordance with that rendezvous with destiny.

That's what you are asking him to do. And anybody with more than 3 brain cells are not going to be ready to find information like that out without a thoughtful process. The way he's reacting now, he may not be ABLE to find out at this time because he won't be able to get through the pre-test counseling, (if in fact the doctor calls for that). You won't be able to either, because as I recall, it's a family session.

As far as asking for an apology, from his point of view you are nagging him. Really upsetting him to the point of anger. You can't get over it and he doesn't want to deal with it. He may be wanting an apology from you for stressing him out. So if you want to hold that over him, go ahead, but it may not help the relationship. You were stressed, told him a bunch of stuff he didn't want to hear, and you got to hear a bunch of stuff you didn't want to hear. We all say things in the heat of battle that we may not really feel, right?

How can you be supportive? First, he has to really realize that you won't love him less. I know my wife thought (and I found out much later) that I would leave her once she had a diagnosis. It was her base fear. So my guess is you are really in tune with YOUR fears, but they are not HIS fears. So to be supportive, you have to get a handle on what is really scaring him. And believe me, he has a reason to be scared.

This isn't a one day thing. It may take YEARS to get through this. YEARS. You just found out not long ago. He's right, there isn't anything you really do right now. You are going to have to accept this as a risk. You are going to have to get used to the idea if you intend to stay married to this man. And if you can't do that, you have to decide what you really want to do if he simply won't move on this in the next few years. If you want to stay with him, you are going to have to approach this slowly and there is no two ways about that.

I'm not trying to judge, I'm just making a suggestion from my point of view. If you don't agree, I meant no offense.

This is interesting. Fred has posted with a sympathetic viewpoint to your husband and frankly, I don't have one. To me, there is no excuse for domestic violence and no excuse for 'joking' about 1) not wanting to see your child again, 2) the child being better off dying and 3) the idea that he should kill himself and the child.

I have a friend who did not react well to the news that her husband was at risk. In their case no one knew about the HD because it didn't exist until a parent was diagnosed with what is most likely a newly expanded CAG count. She talked about it, she cried, she lost her temper, she worried about the children. It took her a long time to learn to cope. I felt sorry for her husband as well as for her. I know there were times when he lost his patience with her but he never hit her, threatened her, or said the kind of things that your husband said to you.

I think you need to get a therapist for YOU to help you cope and to help you make a realistic assessment of your marriage. The therapist should be willing to learn about and understand HD. Don't wait. This is not fixable by apologies and being more understanding.

And yes, bouts of extreme anger can be an early sign of HD. So can irritability. An early sign with my ex-husband was an inability to calm down after getting angry. I remember once he misheard something I said on the phone. After I explained what I had actually said he was still angry and I had to leave the house because he just could not calm down even though he accepted that he had made a mistake. At that point we didn't know HD was in the family. Like the friend I mentioned above, there appears to have been a new mutation with his mother.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/27/2011 11:25AM by Marsha.

Well, he actually came home last night. He didn't go to his parents' home after all, but merely sat in his car outside for about four hours. He came in and apologized. Poor, poor guy. I do feel enormous sympathy for him.

I see both of your points, Fred and Marsha.

I'm sympathetic towards him because he is going through something really, really terrible, and, in a lot of respects, he has no one. :-( I can vent to my parents. His are . . . well . . . acting really kooky about this. His mom is impared by HD, and neither of them seems to think it's really a big deal, and they are the ones who kept it in the closet for so long. His brother states that he would be willing to just "roll the dice" himself with regard to having children (he and his wife cannot, though, as she is unable to have children. She and he are raising her children from a previous marriage, together). My husband's got ME (or should have me) but I, his wife, am so distraught and terrified that I'm offering little support, even though I want to. He probably does fear that I'm not in it for the "long haul." While I assure him I am, the truth is (as reluctant as I am to admit it) sometimes I DO just feel like running. Ugh. I feel like an absolute monster for admitting that. Most of the time, though, I want to be a good wife, and resolve that I will stay with him, and care for him, and support him, no matter what. I want him to feel that. The message I'm sending, though (not through my words, but, likely, in other ways) is that I'm not strong enough, committed enough, etc. Poor, poor guy. My heart breaks for him.

At the same time, I agree, Marsha, that there is no excuse for saying the awful things my husband said. I don't think he was "joking," but I also don't think he was serious. So, I don't know HOW I would classify his statements. I attribute it to being under extreme stress. Like Fred said, in the heat of the moment, we say things we don't mean. Still, though, not okay! I most certainly am seeming like a nag and a stressor, from his point of view. That being said, though, I grant that he could have, and should have, handled things better.

As far as my calling him a generally affable, teddy bear of a guy, and yet admitting that he was arrested three years ago . . . both ARE true. Most of the time, he is very, very sweet, patient and loving. WHEN he gets angry, though, he has, in the past, gone overboard. It was not a typical thing, and, like I said, it had gotten much, much better over the past few years.

I DO need counseling. I have said that before, but, as you warn, Marsha, I should not wait any longer. Less talking about it, and actually DOING it, are in order. I did see a therapist about three weeks ago--someone I had seen before, when we were having marital problems and I was having trouble coping with that in addition to the stresses of law school--and he is very good. Trouble is, our insurance does not cover visits to him, as he is out-of-network. So, I need to find someone else who will be more affordable (and, familiar with, or willing to become so, with HD). I was referred to someone who IS familiar with HD by the genetic counselor we spoke to during my husband's mother's appointment. I called, and, unfortunately, she was not taking new patients. Neither counselor (the one I'd seen in the past, nor the one I was referred to but who wouldn't take a new patient) was able to offer an additional referral. So, I kind of dropped the ball. I know it's imperative. No excuse, really, for not having gotten counseling set up some time ago. It's just been . . . well, stressful with the new baby, and hard to get things done.

I really appreciate your help.

Oh, and HD will NOT make me love him less. Never. I hope he knows that. I'll always love him. The FEAR that HD induces in me, though, sometimes makes me want to run, in spite of how much I will always love him. I hope he doesn't sense that!

Hopefully, with counseling, I will gain strength, persepective, and a handle on my fear.

I remember sitting at the bridge table and falling asleep as a young mom, . I think both of you have to focus on the baby which is the most important person . All the other issues are soecondary to making a little nest . Giving birth causes wobs of emotions, hormone fluctuations. Nursing makes the uterus contract. In mysister's day we women had the babies in my day husbands were in the delivery room. We now understand far more about the maternal world of parenting, gushes sobs, overhwelmed, oh my gods, is that a little smile. I'm sure men go through many of these flucatiations especially with the man far more involved earlier. my husband planned to never change a diaper. When the first baay was still young we were visiting y to me, when some high school friends, and the guy asked if the baby needed changing. Hubby went to pass the baby to me and his friends said none of that, you can change a baby too, and took him off and instructed him. the baby has a right to a peaceful baby hood.

another of my friends who had a screamer found that she could not hear the baby in the shower so she had a good long shower every day.

Another friend had twoi year oldd lost a baby aftwer a year of sickness. she was having a shower and came out saying its like heaven in there.
The olde4er kid wanted to go in in the shower and find her dead sibling.

HD is long term proposition. What you haave now is hopefully a healthy a baby. Please have the babies hearing tested.

I can only share with you what I remember after first getting the diagnose of my spouse and being totally blindsided.
You will not be able to try to get a handle on it right away. All you can do for now is go one day at a time. Don't look forward, don't look back.
You were living a perfectly normal life up until now, meaning you had certain hopes and ideas about the future. Now you might have to learn to accept a new type of future if you actually are dealing with early symptons. I could tell you it will all be ok but honestly You may not be able to hear that yet.
Yes, it could be that you are going thru post partum symptoms and your emotions are way out of wack.
I agree that you really need counseling and time to begin to think clearly. Do not beat yourself up because of your feeling.
You really don't know yet what is in the future. Don't let the 'unknown' control the way you live. Make your own path.

First, I want to say that a lot of what you are feeling is normal. I went through a period of time when I wanted to run as far away from HD as possible, at times I still do. I am very concerned about your post. I think it may be a good idea to come here to vent instead of telling your husband. I know exactly how you feel, but you cannot let this ruin your life. You have to enjoy every minute with your new baby. It does eventually get a bit easier. I have learned to just enjoy everyday with my kids without HD being a constant thought. I refuse to let HD rule my life. I am also very concerned about the angry outbursts that your husband is prone to and the comments that he made to you. Because of what he said I don't think that I would leave him alone with the baby. You have to take his comments seriously. It certainly can be an early sign of HD. We are all here for you and understand what you are feeling. If you ever need to talk please feel free to reach out to me or anyone here that you feel comfortable with.

Thank you to all who replied. I noticed that, for some reason, I used the wrong emoticon after explaining what my husband said to me last night. A "wink" was totally inappropriate, and was not what I meant to use! I wanted to use a sad face. Perhaps, the weird, inappropriate emoticon led Marsha to believe that I (or my husband) considered his comments to be a "joke." I certainly did not think they were funny, and still do not. Neither does he. Those were terrible things to have said.

We haven't talked much about what happened last night since then. Not sure whether/when we should. He apologized. I accepted his apology and apologized too. Tonight, when he got home from work, we acknowledged that this has been a really difficult time. We hugged. Then, we ate dinner, we watched Parks and Recreation and The Office, and he went to bed.

He is going into work very early tomorrow (probably waking up before 4 a.m.) His job is stressful, and he works long hours. This concerns me, too (the level of stress, and the lack of sleep he gets due to the long hours.)

Thank you, Judy, for your wise advice. It gives me hope to hear that things get easier. I don't know that I can not permit my husband to be alone with the baby, though. I mean, he's his parent, too, and, without a court order saying otherwise, he has rights. He'll know something's up if I start bringing the baby to band practice while he's home, and likely will object/get upset. I guess maybe I should do it anyway? Or stop going to band? What do you think?

He plans to take the baby for a visit to his parents' on Saturday. I'm of course not thrilled about this (as many of you who have read my previous posts know, I'm furious with his family for having hidden the HD history, and want nothing to do with them). But, they're my son's grandparents, and my husband's parents. And my husband is our baby's father! I'm not the only one with a say here. And, while I'm so furious with my husband's parents that I'd LIKE to say, "I'm never having anything to do with them again, and neither is the baby!" that would probably be cruel and unethical on my part (at least a lot of people would say so, I'm sure). Not to mention, I don't really have the right to make that call (against my husband's wishes, at least).

I guess I could go along on Saturday. But I really, really don't want to do that. It's really upsetting for me to be around them, after all the lies they've told since the HD thing came to a head recently. (It's too much to go into right now, and would be veering very much away from the scope of this posting heading. But, there has been a LOT of lying regarding what was known in the family. MIL had power of atty over HER mother, who had HD, and she met with her mother's doctor, was aware of several aunts and uncles having the disease, etc. Court docs confirm this. She denied having known anything (until caught). She wanted grandkids. So much that she hid things from her own sons and daughter-in-law, and so much that she didn't care that an innocent baby would be at-risk. To me, it was horribly selfish and wrong, and I doubt I'l ever be "okay" with it.)

Well, guess I went ahead and veered off topic anyway!
What do people think about Saturday? Should I go? Prohibiting my husband from taking our son to see his parents is not an option. While my husband is really mad at them, too, they're his parents, and he wants them involved in our son's life. I couldn't stand in the way of that if I wanted to . . . . And trying to would just hurt my husband. I can't do that. Trying to be the best wife I can . . .

I was in your shoes at one time, we had no idea HD was in my former husband's family and we already had 2 sons when we found out and Joe was already symptomatic. It took about a year or 2 before Joe decided to test after finding out about his Dad and he did it for our kids sake. I was an absolute MESS for a LONG time. I worked in a school as an aide and took every moment I could to hang by their super sonic copier machine so I could scream and cry without bothering anyone. I constantly worried about my boys, their future and how and when to tell them wanting them to have as normal a childhood as possible. I'm not going to tell you it's easy cus these are all legitimate worries and you DO have to come up with answers to them and basically you've lost your partner as he doesn't want to talk about it. SOOOOOOoo if I were you, I'd find a close friend whose very very understanding (which is hard as most people do not understand HD) OR discuss all your fears with your councelor and have him help you come up with answers to your worries. I was very lucky in that I developed a friendship with a fellow HD caregiver online who lived fairly close to me who helped me out a lot emotionally.

I would take his threats about suicide and causing the baby harm seriously even if you don't think he'd do it also. I also would NEVER leave him alone with your baby, EVER, Make that child a traveling child and take it everywhere you go. I had to go to work and my boys were older and they were fine, but later I found out that he would beat and kick the dog when I was gone.. Actually he told me this after we separated. I never thought he would do this either, so you just never know, don't take chances. If you eventually DO think of divorce, I'd consider supervised visitation for him. I didn't divorce my husband till my kids were out of high school and could be self sufficient.
ALSO, not everyone will tell you this, but, do NOT be afraid to accept help from antidepressants, it truly saved me. Right now it's all new and your kinda running on adrenaline, slowly this will become your new normal and although this will always be upsetting, it won't so breathtakingly on your mind if you know what I mean. Keep in touch with us, Pat

This post really hits home with me too. My spouse was generally not a violent person but there came a time when I felt it was no longer safe for our children to be with him alone, not necessarily because of imminent violence but because of unrealistic thinking and abrupt and threatening comments. It rings a bell of fear. He is not reacting in a normal way. He is not understanding your fears because of his own limited ability to feel empathy toward your fears of the disease.
I think that what you can do right now is read up on the changes that occur in the brain of a PHD and try to understand how to begin to handle them.
Try to understand his thought process.. then you can work to get him to cooperate with realistic expectations most of the time. I learned 'never' to directly confront. Anticipate what might set off an episode and do all necessary to not let things escalate. Pick your battles and if an event occurs in which you or the baby are seriously threatended, 'quietly' take the baby leave immediately and call the police.

My husband also, was a "nice" guy before HD. Last year I was seeking advice here because he was becoming physically and emotionally abusive. Never in a million years did I ever think that he would lay a hand on our children, well guess what? He is now in a Nursing Home. A medication side effect put him in the hospital, but his behavior is what caused me to have him placed in the home. There was no way that I would have left my kids home alone with him. He used to talk about suicide and made some very troubling comments. I used to make my youngest sleep in my room with me with the door locked. That is how scared I was. If I were you I wouldn't let that baby out of my sight, even if that means going to your in-laws. I totally understand your feelings toward them. I already had 3 kids when we found out about HD and I was very angry. It didn't do me much good though because both of his parents had passed away by then. We don't know which of his parents had HD and so far neither of his siblings are showing symptoms. My kids safety was my first priority. I understand that your husband has not been diagnosed and as far as you know he may not even have HD, but please be careful. The fact that he said what he did is a warning sign, with or without HD.

Bluegrass,
Wow, you definitely have a lot going on. I can tell that you're a loving, caring person, wanting to do the right thing and prepare and be there for your husband and your baby. I, too, like most others on here, have been there, for real. We know exactly what you're going through. I don't know if your husband is exhibiting early symptoms or if he's just under a lot of stress and it's coming out as anger and/or irritability, but I will say that Ray was also a teddy bear, but if pushed about something or if I approached him the wrong way, he also would say mean things and did hit me once. (This wasn't in his nature, either, but because of the HD). Early on, it was so confusing, because I just didn't know what to make of it. When I found out for sure it was HD, I found that if I adjusted the way I approached situations, the anger and irritability didn't come out. He ended up not having anger toward me as the disease progressed, although some irrational behavior and thinking.

Right now, it's difficult for you, because you just don't know if some of these things are HD or just your husband behaving badly. So I can see why there's confusion for you. I remember being so stressed about HD early on, I remember it changed the very being of you I was, made me sick to my stomach . . . I wanted information and knowledge, but honestly I couldn't do a whole lot with that info. It just made me more stressed, wondering, worrying . . . there came a point if I wanted to be happy, I just had to deal with what was in front of me in the moment and make the best of it.

Ray didn't want to talk about HD in the beginning either. In fact, he told me once that if he had his mom's disease he'd kill himself. Well, that didn't happen, thankfully. What did happen was that he adjusted. It was a hard life for him, myself and our son for many years. We made it through, though, and I ended up having the most amazing, beautiful connection and love that I will cherish forever. It's weird, because I, too, wanted to run away for so long (I was young, early 20s, when all this was happening). We even got divorced, although we still lived together. But until I made the decision in my head that I didn't want to run anymore, but face it, that's when I was able to continue to really love Ray and really be there for him.

I guess Fred's and Marsha's posts both reasonate with me, on the one hand, who knows what your husband is going through, on the other hand, you have to make sure that he resolves the anger issues somehow, because you and your baby aren't safe unless it's resolved. I'd like think counseling would help, but I'll be honest, I remember trying to reach out to social workers and/or counselors early on, but felt like they didn't really understand all of the unique issues related to HD, so I didn't feel at the time i got a lot of help. I was lucky, though, to have a wonderful, supportive mother, who was just always there for me to listen to and bounce ideas off of.

It could be your husband is depressed from having to deal with all of this and may need an anti-depressant himself to get him through this time. I wish I had more answers for you. I'm definitely thinking of you and wishing you didn't have to through this!

Thank you, all.

I'm so incredibly grateful for the kindness and wisdom I've received on this forum.

Tonight went okay.

Hey there...i think you need to step back just a little bit, and calm down a bit. I know this is all a big deal, but try not to make it bigger than it needs to be for the moment. I'm not saying this in an unkind way, i'm saying this for your own sanity and calmness for your family. First, you mother in law. I think you have every right to feel shocked by the news, but not to be angry at her. You see, she does have hd, she may not have done this on purpose. Part of the actual disease can be denial. She may actually truly believe that this is not a big deal, not because she's an unkind or selfish person, but maybe the hd itself is doing this, and i don't think you've thought of that possibility. I would not be saying she cant see your baby, or if she does, you're not gonna be around. That is the opposite of what you should be doing. She has hd, and possibly your husband too. If she is in denial about the hd, she could also go into denial about any actions she could take around the baby, and, your husband is not the best supervisor for this situation. Seriously, i believe it's her hd doing this, and if that is the case, treat her with kindness. I know this will be hard for you, but that is the gracious thing to do, and, the safest thing for your baby is for you to be the one supervising, always. Now, i am going to tell you what hd can do to the most loving grandmother in the world, me. I'm going to tell you this, so that you can understand the denial, and how hd can creep up when you least expect it. When my grandaughter was only 3 months old, i left her laying on the couch and just walked into the kitchen. The normal me would Never do that. My daughter was in shock and said the baby could fall off the couch. I looked at her and said what do you mean, she has legs, she can walk just like the rest of us, you just dont think she can. Seriously, thats what i said, my daughter went into shock and was bawling, and i didnt get it. I insisted the baby could walk like the rest of us. It wasnt til three frigin days later, that i went back into reality and realized what had happened. This was before i was diagnosed. This was when we knew something was wrong. I wasnt trying to be in denial, but for three days, i believed something that wasnt true. There have only been 2 or 3 times, when my thought process went wrong with my grandaughter, but we never knew when it was going to happen, and we knew that i would not recognize the situation when it happened. That devastated me, but the decision was made that i could never be alone with her. Could never take her for a walk in her stroller, anything, by myself. My heart was broken, but that was the rule that was made. That's what you have to do too. It's the only safe thing. So for right now, don't work on creating more anger and stress than necessary, work on making things calm, and you gaining control of an out of control situation. Right now this is causing your husband to not even be able to have empathy or grieve for his mom having hd, and it is causing a lot of stress for him. Once things get settled down a bit, give things a few weeks at least, without venting your anger about hd, then work on you telling your husband he needs to test, so that you guys can plan your future calmly. If you need to vent, do it here for now. Your husband has also been given bad news, yet he's left trying to make mom feel better, make you feel better, and play fix it man for everyone but him. Do you see what i mean? I'm not giving an excuse to the things he said. But right now give him some space, calm the situation, and then work on how you guys can move forward with this information

PS this is not catering to abuse, i dont believe in that, but this is you, taking charge of the situation in a calm way, and you setting the rules. And uhmm, no, after what your husband said the other day about the baby, you should not have, and should not, leave the baby alone with him, period. He broke your trust, and he is the one that is responsible to now follow your rules, regain your trust, get some medical testing done, and find out if this is more than an anger management problem, find out if he needs a mood stabilizer, etc etc etc.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/30/2011 05:23AM by Barb.

Fred do you hav eHD or does your wife? and did you leave her bc she had HD?

Answering for Fred, a long time forum member. Fred's wife has HD and no, he has never left her. She is currently in a nursing home.

You didn't have to answer for me Marsha. I just didn't get to it yet.

I took a lot of "abuse" from my wife. She was violent quite a bit. I found ways to deal with it. I can understand why women leave their husbands, as they can't protect themselves. I had to find a way to get my wife the proper care with a team in order to save all of us. There is a period where some with HD are violent and they still have enough faculties to not be eligible for long term care, and this is a dangerous time for families.

Bluegrass had an argument with her husband. In the past he had an episode, but in the years following nothing further happened. And in this argument, he wasn't violent, he was just contrary. We weren't there, and we only have one side.

He's working, he apologized, and they are working it out. People say the meanest things when they are mad. In this age we get prosecuted for just being mad. Some of us are more articulate than others when they are mad. My mother (who didn't have anything) would threaten me a lot worse than that when she was mad, and she didn't hurt a fly her whole life. Let all those who have not sinned cast the first stone, okay? Just because he said inappropriate things doesn't mean anything.

The way bluegrass describes her husband, he's active, he's responsive to reason, and he's healthy and young. Bluegrass is having a hard time trying to deal with just the risk, and she's mad because she wasn't more informed. Both her and her husband have a young child, their first. We all know what that kind of stress does. Coupled with the stress of finding out all of this, it's a pretty big thing to grasp. It will take them a while to come to grips with it. So my advice is to clam down, take a breath, and live a while. At this point there is more of a threat of an asteroid hitting their house than HD posing a problem. He only has a 50/50 chance, and that's on BOTH sides.

I know you can answer for yourself, Fred, the question just bothered me for some reason.

By the way, for anyone who doesn't know, I DID leave my spouse with HD, after 34 years of marriag.

For all of those who advise me not be to upset (or not to act on it) at my MIL because she has HD and is impaired, isn't thinking straight, etc. Here's what I don't get: she hasn't ALWAYS been impaired! She had power of attorney over HER mother, who had HD. She obtained power of attorney back in 1996. The court deemed her competent to be a guardian over someone else. So, her thinking, at that time, must have been "clear." She knew, at that time, that her mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother had all had HD. She was in her early forties.

So why, at THAT time, wouldn't she have told her children? My husband was 18. He hadn't been around his grandmother in years, because she was "mean." He didn't really want to be around her, and his mother was fine with this. She told him, though, that "That's just how grandma is." She told him that grandma had "dementia," which "old people get."

I get that this was in the past, and that I should look forward, not back, and all of that. But, still, I cannot just accept her actions by saying, "Oh, well, she's sick, she can't help it." Sure, maybe not NOW, but there was a time during which her actions were deliberate, calculated and selfish. She says, now, that the reason she didn't tell her kids (back then) is that she wanted them to give her grandchildren. It wasn't just some kind of "accident" because her thinking was impaired by HD like it is now.

If she had behaved this way in the past, and we only learned now, but she were now dead, I'd still be mad (or would, at least, wonder how much she had known, etc.) But, since she's still here, and we can ASK what she knew, and I have to see her, it's particularly hard to just "move forward."

I guess, as mean as this might sound to many of you, I feel this way: Since she gave such little (no) consideration to the health and happiness of next generations, only considering herself; because she made decisions to benefit herself at the expense of others--at the expense of her own GRANDCHILDREN--she should be the last person in the world to get to now "enjoy" the grandchild whose life she was willing to risk for her own selfish reasons.

Mean? Probably, I guess. I'm sure many of you will say so. That's okay, I capable of hearing it. It is, though, how I feel. I think SHE was the mean one.

And, even though I feel this way, I'm NOT acting on it. She still sees the baby. I couldn't do that to my husband (deprive his mother of her granchild.)

Anyhow, I know I DO need to move forward, as difficult as I keep complaining that that it is to do. It's the right thing to do, and I hope that in using these forums I will receive help in doing so. I guess I just wanted to vent for a moment about how I can't quite just forgive it all by accepting that MIL wouldn't have behaved the way she did if it weren't for HD. Like the HD is some excuse. I think she behaved the way she did, very deliberately, BEFORE she was at all affected by HD, and, thus, there's no "excuse."

You need to get a grip. I was not "making excuses" for hd, if anything just the opposite. First, there are many many people on this board that have 18 year olds, that they do not want to tell them that they are at risk for hd, many, and there are also many that have told their children from a young age. That does not make a person a bad person, they have their reasons, and very valid reasons. And now, to the present time. She is now, today, when she has hd, says she didnt tell cus she wanted grandchildren. Does that sound like a logical and reasonable thing for a person to say? Not to me it doesnt. I did not make excuses for her hd, i said her hd can cause denial, and this MAY be what this is all about. I have hd, and i am the LAST person to make excuses for hd! The LAST person! I was trying to give you some reasonable explanations of hd that you may not have considered, that's it, period. I actually went to a lot of trouble to tell you some unfavourable stories about myself, why, because it was fun and easy for me to do that? Hell no. It wasnt easy for me to write those things. I wrote them to try and help you have another perspective, so that maybe you could turn your anger into reasonable thinking. But instead you vented even more anger about your MIL. I don't have a problem with that, i did say, go ahead and vent here. But i do have a problem with, is when i have hd myself, and i tried to help you, for you to say you are sick of hearing excuses for people with hd. That makes me mad. I was NOT making excuses. Just the opposite. I was trying to help you gain control of your emotions and control of the situation with you MIL in regards to the baby, setting rules and boundaries. Is that what you call excuses? Rules and boundaries are anything but excuses. And how dare you bout excuses for people with hd. I am one person who takes charge and control of my situation with hd. No excuses here. I stopped driving when i realized my driving wasnt safe any more, nobody suggested that to me, i did that. I stopped being alone with my grandaughter, when i realized that wasnt safe, that wasnt easy for me. And now, i take charge of my hd and my life, even more, because now my husband died a few months ago. And i went to all this trouble to tell you the things i did, cus i had nothing better to do with my time. Hell no. But all you could see was that it was excuses. And all you could do was get angry about people making excuses, and got even angrier bout your MIL. So if you want to get angry bout your MIL, that's you're choice, but certainly that is not going to help you or your husband move forward. But, do not flip on me for taking the time to try and help. Plain and simply you are just out of control right now, your anger at your MIL is completely out of control and you need to calm down for the sake of your family.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/30/2011 05:32PM by Barb.